Waking Up From the American Dream

Literally Interpreting Song Lyrics: "Nice & Slow" by Usher

2011-02-25T12:06:00.001-05:00

The Line:
“I got plans to put my hands in places, I ain’t ever seen, girl ya know what I mean”

Wait. I DON’T know what you mean. Walk me through this.

First off, I’m going to assume since you are Usher Raymond: Michael Jackson’s half retarded clone, you have seen a vagina sometime throughout your life. Michael was iffy, but you seem to have less infatuation with prepubescent boys, so you are already ahead in the game in my book.

I’m also going to go ahead and assume you HAVE seen a entirely naked woman before. Boobs, nipples, butt cheeks and whatnot.

Therefore, I’m wondering what part of the body contains a place “you ain’t ever seen”.

Then it came to me. This poor girl, Usher is singing his heart out to, is about to have him possibly fishing his arms down her throat and/or up her asshole. Besides the vaginal canal, these are the other 2 main points of entry into places “he ain’t ever seen”……her vital organs.

I then got real dizzy.

This poor woman. She probably locked eyes with Usher at the mall while he was purchasing sneakers. She called up her girls and was all “OMG! Just saw Usher yall!” They probably made plans to meet up secretly in a classy hotel later on. Usher wined and dined her…made her feel like a real princess. Told her she was beautiful. Made her think she was the ONE. Headed up to the room, lit some candles, and then proceeded to jam his entire arm up her ass without warning. There are times when it’s appropriate to throw a heads up someone’s way. The sentence before the last one is a GREAT time.

But really, that’s what she gets for being a starfucker.

www.couchfiresports.com

2011-02-24T11:16:00.002-05:00

Head on over to www.couchfiresports.com

Me & the boys are starting a revolution over there.

Movie Pitches

2011-02-02T12:54:00.003-05:00

I love reading movie descriptions. They can make or break your decision on watching it. Have you ever passed on an awesome movie because some marketing genius royally fucked up the pitch? I would love to have that job......

1. Shark City

After an alcoholic blackout. a man awakens only to find out that the entire city is now inhabited by sharks!

2. White Power Trip

A weekend fishing trip turns to mayhem when one man's desire to bond with his dying father is interrupted by an impromptu Ku Klux Klan meeting.

3. Blowin' in the Wind

An elementary school physical education teacher contemplates the pros and cons of pedophilia after the tragic events of Hurricane Katrina.

4. "Moo"vin Along: The Charlie Lasser Story

An Indiana chicken farmer relives key moments from his life and reassesses the chain of events that would eventually lead to his penis being stuck in the neighbor's cow.

5. More Like Ro"HOT"

All bets are off when five former college fraternity buddies abandon their families and pursue their dream of creating a robot that you can have sex with.

6. Happy Deathday!

After the tragic outcome of a surprise birthday party in his honor, a Vietnam War veteran must fight through his own paranoia and his own tragic memories long enough to hide the bodies of his family and friends from the nosey town sheriff.

7. Thanks For Nothing

A man's world is tragically rocked when his 3 year old autistic daughter is inexplicably eaten by a dinosaur on Thanksgiving Day.

8. No Tomatoes

Shock and awe take over a small Kentucky town when a botched food order prompts a heavily inebriated David Hasselhoff to urinate on a Quiznos food preparation table.

9. Draft or Die

As a man's life hangs in the balance, a doctor must choose between saving his life or attending his fantasy football draft.

Maybe I'm Just Crazy

2011-01-12T10:10:00.003-05:00

For as much as I have bashed mainstream culture in the past, I am truly worried about your actions as of late.

This Jersey Shore phenomenon that has swept the masses is truly disturbing. I really had more faith in people, believe it or not. The most common answer I get from people, that aren't a 16 year old girl, on why they watch this show is: "It's my guilty pleasure!" Well do you realize how much danger there is in your fulfillment of a guilty pleasure?

Stop me if you've heard this one, America.

You have, yet again, given fame to another group of talentless, vomit-inducing, dickbags. Where's the danger in that, though? It's not hurting anyone. I can watch what I want! This is America. Yadda, yadda, I get it. But with the fame you've given by watching them, they now have access to book deals, brands and trademarks, spinoff shows, movie roles, clothing lines.....God forbid, if one of them is an aspiring singer.....it goes on and on.

In no version of reality should Snooki write a book about her life and people rush out to buy the goddamn thing.

What are we celebrating here? The guys are typical Guido date rapists and the girls are your typical, run-of-the-mill, street whores. Go to any club in Jersey (or now Morgantown, WV), and you can sit at a fucking corner table with your friends and see them without sensationalizing their actions, all while fulfilling your guilty pleasure.

For every 10 people that read this, 1 will truly see the problem, while the other 9 will automatically call me a jealous hater, and that's ok. I'd rather have that one person see why this is all fucking crazy and stick with them.

I love the way we have been conditioned to call anyone that questions how easily fame is given to people in this country a "hater". It's an easy role to fall into. The minute you question any of this, someone, like clockwork, calls out that you are jealous. There is no jealousy here. I don't want to be famous. I would just like to see that those that do become famous at least have something to offer for their fame. A talent. A skill. Anything...

Asshole Facebook Friends: Part 2

2010-07-11T13:14:00.002-04:00

Dinner Posters.

Have we really de-evolved into a society that deems it necessary to post exactly what they have for dinner on a nightly basis? What am I supposed to do with this information? I could go the obvious path and "like" it. But, suppose I don't like the asparagus you had. Do I then "like" it, tagged with a comment about my dislike of asparagus? This just seems like too much work. Or I could counter your post with a comment listing the items that I had that night. You, of course, could pick out the things about my dinner that you dislike and hilarity would ensue. Fuck it, as long as we are rapping about supper, others can chime in about BOTH of our meals by commenting on what they like and dislike about them, they may even share what they had too! If we are lucky, we may even learn about certain individuals' food allergies, or a story about one's bout with food poisoning after eating the same food in the Amish Country last Fall. Hell yeah! We're conversing! Social networking is fucking sweet. All of this information would have been locked away forever, had you not had the awareness to tell me about the can of Spagettios you just warmed over the stove.

Look at the Baby!!

Congratulations. You had a baby. A man came inside of you intentionally or by accident. It happens. Apparently, everyday according to the disturbing studies that have been conducted on over-population of the planet, but I digress. So you think because you put up with some bullshit for 9 months, that you can subject me to every single event that revolves around your seed? Like I'm supposed to be impressed that it lacks the motor skills to successfully transfer food from its plate to its mouth. Fuck off. I've seen that trick before. If the kid is emitting flames from its eyes while scoring 100% on Guitar Hero, all while not even facing the television, i'm in. Show that shit to me. Oh, and just some food for thought, how would you have felt if your whole infancy/childhood/adolescence would have been displayed to the entire world? Archived. Available to anyone with internet connection. You thought your mom bustin out baby photos to a chick you were trying to fuck was bad before………Jeeeeeesus Christ. These little anklebiters have no chance in Hell of getting some stank on their hang low.

People over the age of 12 that use "LOL" and "LMAO".

I don't even have words to go here…………You guys are dicks.

Computer Hackers that use an alias of a half nude hot chick that all of a sudden wants to be my friend.

For all the knowledge you possess about binary codes, viruses, and firewalls and shit, you would think you could come up with a better plan of attack. Your logic is fucked. Those bitches aren't talking to me! Maybe 10 years ago…..have you seen what I'm working with lately? I'm a full blown alcoholic, that works 2 jobs to scrape out $400 in monthly rent! I'm banging some tragic looking women now.

USA! USA! USA!

2010-06-27T18:16:00.002-04:00

It's amazing to me how quickly people jump onto fads. This country is notorious for it. It's programmed into our everyday lives and there is a whole system that capitalizes on the fact that YOU will happily eat whatever bullshit that is served, as long as the package is pretty.

Take this whole World Cup phenomenon happening right now.

One month ago, you could give a fuck about soccer. (For that I applaud you). But, slap a little patriotism angle on it, and all of a sudden everybody's an expert. Countless Facebook status updates chronicled our historic run in the tournament, with such in-depth analysis as:

"Dear Ghana, be sure not to call us when you need money for your people all dying of AIDS, you stupid, poor assholes!"

"While you kick soccer balls, we run the world, Fuck you Ghana."

"Every time I hear the word Ghana, I think of gonorrhea!"

Riveting.

I mean, I get it. It's an excuse to get shitfaced and watch some type of sport on television. It's downtime before football season. But let's not treat it like we have any idea what is going on.

These soccer elitists in our country are the product of guilty baby boomers that tried to make up for spending their entire childhood in a drug induced haze. The soccer moms! The ones that had their children kicking around a soccer ball in a gymnasium of a YMCA in a desperate attempt to give their children structure, so they didn't end up giving hand jobs for cheese sandwiches in the streets of San Francisco like Mommy.

We shouldn't win the World Cup.

It's not our shit. Can't we leave some shit alone? Do we always have to get into shit?

Just sit back, play with whatever new toy the corporations have provided us, and wait for American Idol to come back on.

This You?

2010-06-27T17:23:00.001-04:00

Check out the new digs! This is the best that Blogger has to offer at this time, this will do until I pony up the cash to make this website my own domain.

Bitter Ramblings of an Aging Nobody

2010-06-27T16:31:00.000-04:00

I think it should be OK to punch a male child in the face for knowing every word to a Kesha song.

Seriously the courts should do the decent thing and look the other way. Don't give me that shit that the only thing these kids are exposed to these days is whatever is playing on the radio, either. That argument went out the window with a little technological advancement known as the internet. Maybe you've heard of it?

There is a whole world of music out there for these little bastards to explore and they are content to hang out on Twilight and Justin Beiber message boards. This whole generation is ass backwards. We are "pussifying" and babying these kids to the point if I were to walk in right now and blast some Motorhead, they would curl up into a ball and piss themselves.

STP, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine, Toadies, FUCKING NIRVANA, this what was blasting through the cassette boombox in my room when I was their age……it's a far cry from the shit that is spewed from the radio these days.

I blame MTV for having absolutely nothing to do with music anymore and catering to 13 year old girls. I blame American Idol. I blame autotune. I blame reality television. But most of all, I blame this new generation of parents.

My generation.

What happened to us? Are we really buying into this myth that we are protecting these children from the evils of the world? Spend some time with your kid. Teach them things. Stop dropping them off at the fucking mall while you hit up happy hour with the girls. I say all this because I work directly with kids EVERYDAY. A wide array of them. But the more I'm around them, the more i see something is off.

Not My Best (nervous, self congratulatory laughter)

2010-05-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

Err, um, hey. (soft laughter) I'm uh, Michael Cera. (nervous laughter) You probably already knew that, though! (Overly anxious awkward nervous laughter).

Hmm, ok.

Um, so i'm a uhh, movie star. Now I bet you're all like "H-h-hey mister.........h-how'd you become a movie star?" (self congratulatory awkward nervous laughter). W-Well.......I was, uhhh, on a show. Arrested Development.....(waits for you to nod)....hehe, there it is. OK. (soft, nervous, anxious, self congratulatory laughter) W-well on that show, I was able to showcase my talent and uhhh, "acting range" (soft, nervous, embarrassed laughter complete with air quotes) Yeah............

(nervously clears throat) So, ok.......um, well. Yeah, next I was um, in a bunch of independent movies, and whatnot. Then, boom. Superbad (over-anxious laughter, while waiting for your approving nod) Yeah, th-this guy remembers that one! (points to my camera guy followed by an extremely awkward silence) Ok. So. Ok.

(Awkward pause) I played a character, who, uhhh, you know, was a pretty soft spoken, polite, uhh, was put in awkward situations, that I, uhhh, you know, had t..to deal with and whatnot. (nervous laughter, followed by what I believe was a whispered "congratulations" to himself)

So, yeah. Then uhhh, Juno happened. I remember being all like "H...hey Gary, he's my agent, l...let's expand my acting chops." He was like "y..yeeah sweet." so. OK...(clears throat) I played a kid. This time I got to run track and wear a handband. P...prior to that point, I had never worn a headband on camera.......s..s..so I was pretty happy with Gary that day. (Soft nervous self congratulatory giggling followed by an even longer awkward silence and a short bathroom break)

Hey You! (nervous laughter) I'm back. S..so don't be goin nowhere. Hehe, Ok. So. Err.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, hmm, ok so, this one I got to be an awkward, polite, overly nervous, high school kid, but this time I, umm, got to, uhh listen to Vampire Weekend. So, t...that was different. It showed off the side of my acting skills that show me listening to indie music. P..plus, i touched Kat Dennings boob....(overly anxious, creepy, laughter followed by more whispers to himself and what appeared to be an erection)

Next I uhh, really wanted to do a period piece. It was time. So, uhh, yeah....Year One. (waits for nod approval, that doesn't come) C'mon guy......it had Jack Black. W...we were cavemen. (nervous laughter followed by awkward silence, still waiting on the nod of approval....Steve, the camera guy caved and nodded.) Hehe, yeah, there it is. that guy right there...so(goes for a high five, left hanging.) Ok, well umm, so yeah. I was a nervous, polite, slightly awkward caveman, and uhh, just kinda hung out and uh........

THAT'S IT! GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU TALENTLESS FUCK!

(Awkward silence followed by nervous, uneasy laughter) But I thought I was here to, uhh promote my new movie coming out on Ju...

LET ME GUESS! YOU PLAY A NERVOUS, WORD FUMBLING, HIGH SCHOOL___________

B..b...but this time, I get to be a piano prodigy, m..my fans have never seen me play a piano yet in a movie......

GUNSHOT. TRANSMISSION CUT. STATIC.

Hank's Final Poker Night

2010-05-20T13:08:00.000-04:00

"I bet you anything I can fart in his face and he won't wake up"

This is SO Hank. This was his thing. His trademark. We could almost set our watches to it. We couldn't go one weekend without Hank waiting for the first of us to pass out, so that the world could be his playground.

Much of this homoerotic behavior could be explained through his many fraternal obligations in college, but Hank really enjoyed his work. While the rest of us were cool with continuing the game, the urge to insert objects into Dave's ass was so overwhelming for Hank, that it solidified the fact that this was indeed his final poker night with us.

Beiber Fever Part 1 : Gary's Dilemna

2010-05-11T13:49:00.009-04:00

Gary had a real dilemna.

His 11 year old daughter, Anna, was absolutely, head over heels, in love with Justin Beiber.

Posters ripped from magazines and collages lined the once visible mock wood paneling in her room. In fact, everything within eyesight in her room was a constant reminder that Daddy was losing his little girl. He and his wife Melissa knew this day was coming. Gary was already mapping out "the talk" in his head.

Anna wouldn't be home from school for at least another half hour. It was plenty of time for Gary to log onto Wikipedia, for some last minute prep material.........and print. Add it to the portfolio........good. Gary felt confident and ready to attack this head on.

As the bus pulled up, Gary sat in silence as Anna skipped off the bus equipped with her "Beiber Fever" t-shirt and donning a pink and yellow Beiber lunch box. This shit just got serious. The smile on her face was at least a mile long. Gary seethed.

"She's probably thinking about fucking him right now". He mumbled to himself.

Gary couldn't even wait for her to get through the door.

"Sit, young Lady...."

Confusion washed over Anna's face. She could sense the tense tone of Gary's voice. She began to think of anything she had done to make him react this way.

Gary immediately ripped the lunchbox from her hand and chucked it up against the wall. A half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich spilled onto the floor. He stared at the sandwich and quickly jabbed, "You think peanut butter grows on trees?"

"Um, no?" Anna replied.

"Smart girl. That is correct. Peanut butter does not grow on trees." Gary scolded, realizing he had absolutely no idea where to take this next. He knew the next few minutes would be vital in this conversation. On one hand, he realized that this was a normal part of growing up for a near teenage girl. On the other hand, Gary had to do everything within his power to keep her from giving random handjobs to the entire basketball team when she hit middle school. It was his responsibility as a father.

"I was in your room today.....this Justin Beiber fellow, what's that all about?"

"OMG! He's soooo cute! He's only one of the most talented singers in the world, Dad!" Anna replied as she dug into her backpack.

"Hands where I can see them, young lady!"

"I'm just getting my Ipod! I have all his songs on here! You have to hear him!" Anna pleaded.

Gary begrudgingly allowed her to fish the mp3 player from her backpack. He figured before he jumped to conclusions over this whole matter, it might be well advised to at least give the little brat a listen. If anything, it would give him a platform to speak from. After all, the wikipedia search came back clean. Perhaps there was something in the music he could use against her for a valid argument to dust off the box of Barbie dolls in the basement.

"Give me the headphones." Gary snapped.

As the earbuds snugly entered his ears, the song had already started. At first, nothing struck him as odd. It sounded like any other generic pop music that the Top 40 station was shoving down people's throats on a daily basis. Oh, Ludacris. Nice.

Then it happened.

That one listening experience changed everything. In just 1 minute and 47 seconds, little Justin Beiber had accomplished something that he hadn't experienced in 15 months 21 days and 7 hours.

Gary, shocked, and in total disbelief ripped the earphones from his ears and ducked out of the kitchen in a panic.

He made his way to the bathroom and stared a hole into the mirror.

"Daddy? What's wrong? Are you OK?" Anna questioned through the door.

No, nothing was OK. Not this time. Gary was dripping buckets of sweat. His voice grew hoarse. His eyes began to well up. He had to lie.

"It's ok, honey, just go to your room, I'll be in a minute to finish our talk!"

Gary had some business to tend to. The bulging erection deep within the confines of his pleated Dockers had alot of explaining to do.

Yes, Gary had a real dilemna.

TO BE CONTINUED

Relapse

2010-01-09T11:41:00.002-05:00

As I stared into the empty glass, remorse set in.

Not that I would have enough focus to hold onto it though. With the fact that this was, at least, my 11th empty glass, and the obnoxiously loud Lady Gaga pulsating from the, oddly advertised, super surround sound system.

What kind of strip club uses their surround sound system as a major advertising tool? The obvious answer was one that hosted sporting events on their equally awesome HD, 80 inch projection TV. However, the only TV in sight was back behind the bar so Nancy could watch her stories.

Fucking Nancy.

The crow lines that were mapped across her face were currently constructing new avenues as she puffed away on her Marlboro Red cigarette. We met eyes. I signaled for another.

"Name's Stormy! That's my real name too!"

"Just like the weather!" is what I should have said, like the other lost souls in attendance that night that were well versed in the banter between stripper and patron.

"How much for a lap dance?" is actually the sound that eminated from my whiskey soaked lips.

"20, plus tip for one song, 60, plus tip for 3, 150, for a half hour in the VIP room, and 250 for a soak in the hot tub"

I was amazed at how fast she dropped the bullshit self congratulatory name party and started crunching numbers. I was dealing with a pro here. I was also amazed that this club CHARGED YOU $250 to contract STD's that would make Motley Crue gag.

I clumsily rifled through my pockets like a third grader scrounging up the money to purchase baseball cards.

27 dollars.

"That will work, come with me."

I was now being led up the neon lighted stairwell to a chorus of catcalls and "Getcha sum buddies". Stormy had a cheering section. Not exactly sure of their intent, I held my hands in the air and fist pumped to the heavens in victory. Laughter from the patrons soon followed.

She threw me down on a plush chair shaped like a lady's high heel pump. I nearly spilled my drink.

"What happens here, stays here, I do fully nude, you can touch me anywhere, but no insertion."

"Fair enough....." I mumbled.

Before I could collect my thoughts, I was 2 nostrils deep in glitter fueled motorboat. AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" provided the soundtrack for the awkward conversation that soon followed.

"So, how long you been doing this?" I asked as she rested her left breast on my forehead.

"5 months....."

"Cool........you like it?"

"Pays the bills."

She was now upside down with her legs wrapped around my neck.

"I hear that." I said as I sipped from my glass.

Her head rested near my crotch.

"Ooh, what's that?"

"My boner."

As the song ended, she requested one more ass slap and presented me with a final sales pitch presentation on the AIDS soak.

I respectfully declined.

Back downstairs, I continued to stare into my empty glass as remorse set in.

Resolution

2010-01-05T10:40:00.002-05:00

How long has it been since your last confession?

First timer here, Father.

How old are you, my son?

28 years and 2 months.

I see. Well, what have you come to confess today?

I've killed a man, Father.

Er. Well. Yes. Perhaps, you should be talking to the authorities over this matter.

It's not what you think. It's sort of a metaphor, man.

Oh, whew, I see....please explain.

The man that I killed was me. I did this quite a while ago, and I have carried the guilt all these years. It feels good to finally admit this to someone.

I would imagine, guilt is a heavy cross to bear.

Yes it is.

I'm sorry, though, could you please explain?

Sure. A little over 10 years ago. I decided to burn every bridge that I had ever crossed. All the values and beliefs I had, I buried them with the body. I started doing things completely uncharacteristic of myself. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol.....

Drugs and alcohol only pause life's problems, they are still present when you decide to push play once again.

A remote control analogy? Beautiful........OK, as I was saying. The deeper I got into this new hole I had dug for myself, the harder it was to recognize myself. I had lost all connections with the man I used to be.

So, you felt like you were dead....I see now.

But, that's not the worst part.

No?

No way. There were parts of me that resurfaced. These were traits that made me want to burn it all down in the first place.

What traits, my son?

The trait of caring for other people.

Well, most would agree that is an admirable trait for one to possess, why in the world would you want to lose that?

When you overly care for others, you forget to care about yourself. Your walls come down and you leave yourself vulnerable for attack.

Interesting. But, let's get to the root of this. Who has attacked you, my son?

All of you.

I'm not understanding.

For years, I have let everyone dictate the direction of my life in some way. I never really felt like I had control of it.....until now. I was concentrating so much on what they thought if I did this, or if I said this, would it offend this person? Or ashamed of the job I have because that person graduated the same year I did.

Do you have someone to help you through these times of darkness? Someone to shine a light to show you the way?

Like Jesus?

Yes, my son.

Oh, I gave up on that scam a while ago.

I see. Why are you here?

Cheaper than a shrink.

I see. Well, what about a girlfriend?

Haha, perfect question, Father. I have let every girl that has come into contact with me in the past 10 years walk all over me because I have made myself overly available. I play my hand way too early, even before I really know the person, because of this constant need to be with someone. I used to mistaken it for a lot of things. I used to blame the girl, and say things like "Nice guys finish last" and "Girls want a bad boy". In the end, they see through it, they sense desperation in me. Nothing will bring the panties up faster than desperation.

I'll write that down. Well what do you plan to do about this?

I hadn't really thought about it. I guess I could do the usual, sulk over a bottle of Jack Daniels until I pass out.

Alcohol is not the answer.

Agreed. I need something different this time. I need a gamechanger. I have been transforming myself physically, thinking that would do the trick, but there's a few things missing. I need to work on my structure. I need to establish some new rules. I need to work on the mind and soul.

I'm so happy to hear you say that. I'm glad you have finally found acceptance in religion. You have made a wise decision......

He never saw it coming....

2 shots fired into his head was all the response I could think to give over his stupid assumptions.

Sorry, Father, I think I might go down another path. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

As he walked out of the church, a sudden wave of calmness washed over him. Selfishness consumed him for the first time ever, and it never felt so good.

Album Review: Uncle Kracker - Happy Hour

2009-09-04T10:44:00.002-04:00

September 19, 1973

Mount Clemens, Michigan.

Man drunkenly stumbles through the front door of his double wide trailer after a long night at The Pussy Pit, a strip club near the regional airport.

Man: Woman! Getcher ass outta the sack,(nearly vomits), and suck on my weiner.

Woman: We need to talk.

Man: How you gonna be talkin with my weiner in yer chops? On the knees bitch!

Woman:.......I'm pregnant.

Man: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

As the woman removed the boots from her husband and threw an old afghan over him, she looked in the mirror at her own reflection. It was as if God, Himself, was staring right back at her.....assuring her that the gift she was now carrying was responsible for the advancement of an entire civilization.

She couldn't have been more right.

Matthew Shafer, A.K.A Uncle Kracker, was given to the world on June 6, 1974.

They say the gifted tend to associate with others blessed as they are, for the sole fact that we, the meek, could not possibly fathom the trials and tribulations they must go through, just to tolerate us without wanting to stab us in the throat with an icepick.

This was clearly the case when Shafer crossed paths with Bob Ritchie. You groundlings may refer to him as Kid Rock.

For years, the duo made symphonies that would make Mozart's work on the same level as a macaroni picture made by your sister's down syndrome stricken 6 year old at YMCA day camp, you know, the day camp that doubles as a babysitter so she and Steve can attend their marriage counseling.

But I digress....

Happy Hour. The newest addition to an impressive catalog authored by Uncle Kracker. While I haven't heard this album yet, I'm sure it's just as awesome as his other work. It's not like I have to SEE or HEAR God to believe in Him, right???? Some things just ARE.

Walk with me, as I preview each track on the new album. Not by listening, oh no. The song titles alone will be riveting and tell a story far beyond any decibal of sound.

Track 1 : Smile

Kracker starts off the album with a simple, yet complex, message.......smile. He wants to create a mood of easiness, as if to say,

"Hey man, smile, grab a beer, i'm about to take you on a journey."

Track 2 : Another Love Song

While you're smiling, Kracker reminds you of his endless ability to write THE love song. Whether you are in a comitted relationship or trying to bang the blonde chick(who may or may not be 18) working at the S'Barros in the mall food court, love is a universial theme we all share as a human race.

Kracker is saying.....
"Hey, i'm not gonna bullshit you here, this is about as deep as i'm getting."

Track 3 : My Girlfriend

So far we are smiling, holding the ones we love, now Kracker's gonna tell us about HIS boo. And trust me, his chick is hotter than yours. He'll probably make a few tongue-in-cheek puns throughout the song about how hot she is. This may stem from guilt over the incident at her office Christmas party last year when Uncle Kracker got real drunk and stuck his dick in the office fishbowl and tried to swordfight with Tito, the office pet goldfish. He has had to do a lot of groundwork to repair the relationship, writing a song strictly for her might just be the first step in forgiveness.

In this song Kracker is saying....
"Sorry I violated your office goldfish."

Track 4 : Livin' The Dream

In this song, Uncle Kracker is going to remind us how sweet his life is. And what a sweet life it is...every few years he tells Randy, the assistant manager of "The Greasy Wheel", a car repair shop in Mount Clemens, Michigan, that he needs about 2 weeks vacation to go record an album and try to remind people that he used to hang out with Kid Rock.

In this song, Kracker is saying....
"Fuck you, Randy I still have sick days and I'm gonna use them."

Track 5 : Corner Bar

Alright! Time to drink! The obligatory drinking song probably highlights the dangers of sticking your penis in fish tank at your wife's office party without first checking for piranhas that office manager, Earl Watkins, picked up in one of his hunting trips along the Amazon Basin.

Uncle Kracker says....
"Them fish bit my dick!"

Track 6 : Me Again

Ahh, we are halfway through the album and just in case you forgot that he used to hang out with Kid Rock, this little chestnut should remind you. A good majority of listeners have probably bailed on him by now to watch the WWE or make a beer run. Perfect place on the album for a reminder of all of the awesome shit on the way.

Uncle Kracker says...
"Hey, don't leave yet! I'm just gettin goin! No....fuck you Steve! I still have 2 hours of studio time, they are gonna have to wait!"

Track 7 : Good To Be Me

David Hayes, VP of Atlantic Records, actually had to fly in to the studio and question Uncle Kracker's decision to have a second self congratulatory song, not only on the same album, but just a mere 3 tracks after the other one. The encounter was recorded.

Uncle Kracker: "Ooooooh yeah, It's gooooood to be meeeee! I know Kid Rooooooock! Cup the balls! Cup the balls! Yeaaaaah!.....

David Hayes: "Cut this shit! Stop! Fucking stop!

UK: Holy shit! David Hayes, Vice President of Atlantic Records! It's a pleasure!

DH: You. You son of a bitch. Really?

UK: I... I don't underst....

DH: We dug you up from that piss stain of a town and gave you money. We GAVE YOU money to come in here and write your bullshit, hacky, crossover country songs so that all these fucking soccer moms in this fading republic have something to hum along to when they aren't blowing their husbands. And you.....hahaha.....YOU! You come waltzing in here with your little song about how fucking awesome you are and how great your life is. You did this twice........

UK: I thought it would be a good dynamic for the album, show all my sides.....

DH: YOU'RE A FUCKING MECHANIC MATT! THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE HERE IS BECAUSE WE OWED A FAVOR WHEN THAT OTHER TALENTLESS FUCK, KID ROCK, TOOK 2 SHITTY SONGS IN THEIR OWN RIGHT AND MASHED THEM TOGETHER TO FORM AN EVEN SHITTIER SONG!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!? AMERICA IS FUCKING RETARDED!! THEY ATE IT UP!! BUT BEFORE I LOST FAITH IN HUMANITY, THE PAYCHECKS STARTED ROLLING IN!! SEE THESE??? THESE ARE THE KEYS TO MY JET!!! A FUCKING JET MATT!! AT LEAST HE MAKES ME MONEY!!! YOU TALENTLESS FUCK!! I HATE YOU!

That was the last Uncle Kracker ever saw of David Hayes.

In this song Uncle Kracker says.....

(Excessive weeping)

Track 8 : I Hate California

This was more or less a pity party Uncle Kracker was having for himself after the encounter with David Hayes, who resides from the state of California, it's considered to be one Uncle Kracker's darker songs.

Uncle Kracker says....

"David Hayes is a stupid head....(sob)....i have talent....(sob)..."

Track 9 : Hot Mess

Uncle Kracker once entered a hot dog eating contest at the Michigan State Fair. The next day he allegedly took a shit weighing in at 6 lbs 4 oz......this is his recollection.

Uncle Kracker says....

"State fairs are sweet!"

Track 10 : Hey Hey Hey

Unbeknownst to the majority of the population Uncle Kracker is a huge Fat Albert fan. He wrote countless emails to Bill Cosby, in hopes he would collaborate on the song. The emails were never returned, so the song is basically 3 minutes of Uncle Kracker trying his best to imitate Fat Albert.

Uncle Cracker says...

"Rudy, you like school in summatime....no class!"

Track 11 : I'm Not Leaving

This isn't so much a song. It's basically a recording of the 10 minute standoff that ensued at "The Chunky Style Music Studios" in Athens, Georgia during the recording of the album. Originally, Uncle Kracker had purchased 8 hours of studio time to make the album. The Jonas Brothers were in town that day and one of them had a really awesome idea for a song, so naturally they needed studio time to create their next opus.....problem was.....it was occupied by Uncle Kracker. Steve Sykes got the call from the Jonas Brothers, made an executive decison to end Uncle Kracker's session early. The engineer was told to keep the tape going.

Uncle Kracker says...

"Fuck you Steve! I know Kid Rock!"

Track 12 : Mainstreet

Once again, not so much a song. Uncle Kracker lost the arguement and was forced to leave the studio when the police were called to physically remove him. The last track on the album is mostly 1 minute of Uncle Cracker squeezing out farts into the microphone because he wanted the Jonas Brothers to smell it while they recorded. The album ends with the police finally tackling him to the ground.

I'm calling it now.....Album of 09.

Lou Holtz Has Officially Gone Bat-Shit Crazy.

2009-08-23T14:00:00.002-04:00

As much as it is a joy to watch him struggle to keep his teeth in his mouth during one of his Daffy Duckish rants, it's officially time to never let this man talk in public again.

This motherfucker has predicted Notre Dame to be playing in the national championship game against Florida this January.

This has gone way past "homerism". We are tip toeing into the twilight stages of what appears to be Alzheimers.

Reviewing Greatness : The Happening

2009-08-21T20:46:00.010-04:00

I'm here today to share with you, my review of the greatest accomplishment in modern film. Undoubtedly the greatest movie ever created in the history of the world......ever.

I'm talking about M. Night Shamughlamadongdsjsa's 2008 opus, The Happening.

Oh sure, scoff. Go on, I'll even give you a minute to "get your scoff on"........welcome back, the movie still rules.

Many people thought that Shermalingfongwooa blew his load after The Sixth Sense. Many questioned his decision to have Detective John McClane die at the very beginning of a movie. But the son of a bitch pulled it off. We sat there, mere puppets in Shroomaghansaru's genius hands as he manipulated everything we thought we knew about the laws of film.

In essence, we were owned, and we've spent the greater part of the past few years trying to collect the blown pieces of our mind and put them back in our heads.

Then 2008 came along and Shwookalangdon dropped The Happening on us. Then, in a stroke of confidence never before displayed by a director, he casted MARKY MARK as a SCIENCE TEACHER in a LEAD ROLE of a DRAMATIC THRILLER. If you would, please google the word "balls". If you don't see the biggest pair ever beside Shrutayinghang's name, I owe you a Coke.

As I said before, Marky Mark plays a science teacher in this movie. His best friend, played by Luigi from The Super Mario Brothers Movie, is a math teacher at the school. We know he is a math teacher because EVERY LINE HE HAS IN THE MOVIE REVOLVES AROUND HIS PROWESS OF MATHEMATICS. He actually answers questions from others with statistical answers. I've never seen anyone so chubbed up over their career.

Anyways, so people are killing themselves for apparently no reason in parks across the country. They make sure Marky Mark highlights the fact that people are offing themselves in PARKS quite a few times. This is a literary tool known as foreshadowing. The subtleness of said literary tool was on the level of blatently feeling up the chick sitting next to you in class.

Marky Mark, Luigi, Marky Mark's boo, and some little girl, (i'm not quite sure what her deal was, I don't know if she was his daughter or what, I was kind of high when I saw this, sorry!), all hop on a train to get the F out of Philadelphia. They leave Philadelphia....on a train....to escape what they believe to be terrorist attacks. They believe terrorists are releasing an airbourne nerve toxin that somehow turns off the switch in your brain that handles you not killing yourself. While they are running away from Philadelphia, we see that this is happening all around the eastern United States.

And in awesome ways!

One dude lays down in front of a giant lawn mower, another gets fucking mauled by lions at a zoo! At this point, you are thinking that these terrorists are some real douchebags.

Then they finally kill off Luigi. He hops in some jeep with total strangers to go find his daughter or something and there's totally a hole in the roof of the jeep, letting all the airbourne toxins in. So this chick starts freaking out. Even in his final moments, they do not shy away from reminding you once again that he teaches math to 15 year olds.

When the chick freaks out, he calms her down by asking her MATH RIDDLES. I'm not joking. This poor broad's last minutes of life on this earth was spent trying to solve a stupid math riddle. I would have been making sexual advances at every chick in the jeep. You may as well go out with a smile.

Then they finally drop the bombshell on what is really killing these people. SPOILER ALERT! It's not terrorists at all! Apparently, all plantlife is super pissed off at mankind. Trees, grass, ferns, your mother's ficus plant, they are all together in trying to wipe out the human race.

The worst part of it all was the smug look from my hippie roommate Brian. Whatever Brian! At least I don't smell like a homeless dude's taint!

Anyways, this revelation set up one of the greatest movie scenes I have ever seen.

Marky Mark and his rag tag group of survivors find a house along their travels. They stop in for food and water. Then it happens.

Marky Mark asks permission from a house plant to use the bathroom. If you didn't see it, it went a little something like this.

MARKY MARK'S EYES DART ACROSS THE ABANDONED ROOM. HE NOTICES AN 8 FOOT TALL HOUSE PLANT STANDING MENACINGLY IN THE CORNER.

Marky Mark: Hey plant, hey how ya doin?

The Plant:...........

Marky Mark: Shh, no hey, it's ok, i'm a science teacher.

The Plant:.........

Marky Mark: I also produce the show Entourage.....you herda dat?

The Plant:.......

Marky Mark: Ok listen, we just wanna use the bathroom, and we'll be on our way, ok?

The Plant:.......

Marky Mark: Ok, i'm glad we had this talk.........say hi to ya mudda for me.

Then to break the tension it is revealed that the plant was plastic!! It wasn't even capable of kicking human ass! As a matter of fact, Marky Mark could have pissed ON the plant to save face but he chose to continue on his journey without making that statement.

So basically the rest of the movie details Marky Mark running away from wind, hanging out with hippies that love hot dogs, getting two kids killed by point blank shotgun blasts to the face while singing a classic rock tune, and shacking up with a crazy woman that kills herself by headbutting a house.

Pretty much standard stuff.

In the end, we find out that basically we are just a bad rash on the skin of our Mother Earth, humans are assholes, and if we don't want the plants to start a revolution and send pharamones into the air, causing us to kill ourselves in the most horrific ways imaginable, we have to buy a Prius.

We've All Been There

2009-08-17T18:49:00.002-04:00

We've all been there.....

Balls deep in a fat chick when there is a rap at the door.

Now there is the uncomfortable task of trying to either wedge her out of your bedroom window or sheepishly try to appear drunk and confused enough to your roommates to garner a high five for your efforts.

And not a cool high five either....

I'm talkin' about the kind of high five your asshole roommate gives you when he thinks you are doing something epic because you like to party.

That high five is not applicable in this situation. You fell in love with her.

And dammit, you swore you would never do this again. There you were, eating nachos in the food court of the mall, her fat ass ran into your elbow as she tried to squeeze herself AND her Layne Bryant bags between the back of your chair and a trash can, spilling nacho cheese everywhere.

She jokingly called for the five second rule. At least you thought it was a joke. That was until she proceeded to attack the puddle of cheese not unlike a wolverine locked in a baby crib.

That was it. As disgusting as it was, it really got you going. An entire S'Barro's extra large pizza, three bags of movie theater popcorn with extra butter, and a quart of sweet and sour chicken from China Max later......there you were, back at your apartment fumbling for a bra strap in one of the cavernous fat rolls on her back, all while wanting to stab yourself in the ears because you told her you were into Lady Gaga, which prompted her to drag your ass to FYE so she could pickup some "mood music".

Yep.....we've all been there.....

Cleaning Out the Basement

2009-07-27T20:21:00.003-04:00

As I was cleaning out my basement the other day, I ran into some old things from childhood. Probably the coolest thing that I found was an old, worn, box marked "wwf stuff".

I said "shit yeah", and continued to rifle through the box.

There it was.

A commemorative foam 2x4 replicated from the lumber that "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan would wear out the naysayers of "the american way" on any given opportunity.

I felt great power as i held it in my hands.

Even after all this time.....

It was magical.

I smiled and reflected on the bravery displayed by the World Wrestling Federation.

To give a mentally retarded man with an extreme view of patriotism a large plank of lumber and turn him loose for public entertainment.......well it was nothing short of ballsy.

The Other Guy From WHAM! Is a Dick

2009-07-25T13:47:00.002-04:00

"Hi. I'm Andrew Ridgeley. One half of the 80's pop phenomenon Wham! And when I'm not rocking and rolling in the studio, i am rocking out for bicycle safety! Always ride FACING traffic. Remember to use proper hand signals when turning and always.....always wear a helmet. Just practicing these tips can provide you with a safer, more enj.......you know what Steve.....I'm sorry....I can't fucking do this".

Steve: Ah, c'mon Andy, you were nailin' it!

Andrew: No, no....I mean Jesus! Bicycle safety? Really?

Steve: Wha..What's the problem? Is it the script? We can make some minor changes if you feel...

Andrew: It's not the fucking script Steve! It's everything....It's you, it's me....it's the world, it's my fucking life!

Steve: Um, ok.....I'm not understanding here....should we take 5 or....

Andrew: Go ahead take 5, take 20 for all I care! It won't bring it back Steve, NOTHING WILL!!!

Steve: Bring what back, Andy?

Andrew: I was in WHAM! Do you realize what I have accomplished in my life Steve? What have you done that's so fucking important? You sit there with your ponytail and tie.....we're all REAL IMPRESSED Steve!

Steve: Ok.....I feel you are projecting something onto me....it was my understanding that we hired you to read this PSA.

Andrew: Oh right! Sure! Let's read the little warning to all the stupid kids so we can keep them alive long enough to grow up and have the world shit on their hopes and dreams!

Steve: Riiiight, ok, from the top, please.

Andrew: Hi, I'm Andrew Ridgeley, the other guy in Wham! I'm not famous like my bandmate George Michael, I guess with me not blowing guys in public restrooms, i'm not worthy of your love! Well fuck off! My only wish is that I could travel back to the days when I was a little bugger and neglect to wear a bicycle helmet, in hopes that i would fly over my handlebars and crack my fucking skull open like a pinata! Fuck you kids, fuck George Michael, fuck Wham, fuck you Steve, and fuck America, I'm done.

Steve: Alright, I think that is a good stopping point for the day. We'll pick up tomorrow around 9AM.

Erin Andrews......You Little Minx.

2009-07-22T11:25:00.004-04:00

This one goes out to that Erin Andrews broad....yeah the little SQUEEZEBOX shakin' her ass all over ESPN. Apparently there is a new video sweeping the interweb of her struttin' around in her birthday suit in some hotel room. But unless you saw the video in the first 15 minutes it was released, you are shit out of luck! Apparently, if you do find it NOW, your computer will be hit with more viruses than Lindsay Lohan's ham wallet.

So, imagine my chagrin......pants around ankles.....light sweat on the forehead in anticipation of pure bliss of being only one click away from the culmination of my life, up to that point, and finding myself at a crossroad......make a mess of the keyboard....or make a mess of the hard drive.

I chose Redtube.

And now she's hitting all the necessary media outlets to express her surprise and shock that people aren't taking her seriously as a sports journalist.

Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit! Have you looked in the mirror? You are fucking hot. Your main demographic is males 15 to 39, you are on a network that is a total sausage fest......then a nice piece of ass like you strolls along....lookin the way you do.....pretendin to know about sports.....it makes my little soldier stand at attention.

It's cute, really.

But sure! If that's what you need to hear.

"I totally respect you as a SPORTS JOURNALIST and stuff. Your knowledge of sports and the effortless way you pull statistics, seemingly, from thin air, makes me forget that I totally want to plow you."

There.

See? I'm not like the other neanderthals that salivate over you! I care about your feelings and stuff.

Asshole Facebook Friends Part 1

2009-05-13T11:58:00.007-04:00

Before I kick this off, I just wanna say...I realize that most of what you are about to read is written by an aging, bitter, man.......so please feel free to point out the obvious in the comments section.

"THE CONSTANT UPDATER" FRIEND

This friend (for some reason) thinks it's a real swell idea to update you on every facet of their life. And thank Christ too, if I didn't have the daily schedule of some jerkoff I haven't talked to since high school downloaded into my brain, I don't know how I would get through the day. Usually they don't even have the decency to stop at daily activities.....no, no, no.....they want to share their observations and feelings also!

Example

Joe Nutfondler is taking a nap until 3, then it's off to the gym, fitting in a ham sandwich, then back to the crib to post up and watch LOST, then hittin the hay....love you baby!!

OR

Sally Slitlicker thinks it's crazy that tyler didn't come home from baseball until 10:30pm on a school nite..whoever did the schedule didn't pay attention i guess

Or what about.....

"POINTLESS APPLICATION" FRIEND

need a drink?
what's your pirate name?
what's your porn name?
join my mafia gang?
favorite color?
what's your name mean in Hebrew?
Latin?
German?
Swahili?
what bible verse would you be?
what type of sandwich would you be?
what character from sex and the city are you?
top 5 80's pop stars?
horoscope?
name these classic 80's sitcoms JUST by looking at the picture!
want to become a ninja?

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Jesus Christ. I was just trying to sign on real quick to find that chick i was talkin to at the bar last night.

"GLOBETROTTING" FRIEND

"Hey look at all the super sweet places I can afford to visit because I turned in all my homework in high school"!

"LOOK AT WHAT FELL OUT OF MY PUSSY" FRIEND

I know, i know.......i shouldn't joke about the miracle of childbirth. It's a sacred thing, really. YOU and only YOU are very special for creating life, and it is your sworn duty to share with everyone just what it was.....that fell.....out of your pussy.

Calling All Cars

2009-02-26T14:23:00.002-05:00

I know.....I know......what the fuck.....where you been? I swear I have a good excuse this time! If you have been reading this for the past few years, I would like you to go to www.myspace.com/shawnmiller11

That will link you to the radio show that I produce here in WV.....so If you have Myspace, please click on that link, friend me, and support the show. I update it regularly with bits from the show, shit that I can't air, and if you have been reading this blog since 2004.......you may notice some of the things you have read creeping onto the airwaves.

And yes, once I get that whole thing rolling, I will come, crawling like a bitch back to my master....Blogspot.

www.myspace.com/shawnmiller11 is the link.....PLEASE support the show.......love you bitches.

Get Ready for the Revival

2008-11-24T21:29:00.001-05:00

He sees you when you're sleeping....

2008-09-20T10:56:00.000-04:00

Hey Everybody!

2008-09-14T17:05:00.002-04:00

Recently, Lindsay Lohan has been in the public eye......no, not with her head floating in a puddle of puke on Santa Monica Blvd....but now she's getting political! That's right. What's the first thing you do when trying to clean up your image? You show people that you care about stuff....and stuff. She is saying no to Sarah Palin. While I don't give a fuck about politics, myself......(it's a revolving door of shitbags if you really want my opinion)....but if you are smart, you shouldn't care about what I, or Ms. Lohan have to say about the subject.

Hey Lindsay.....how can I put this nicely? I would steer away from political banter, because quite frankly.....you are a coke whore. I have never seen CNN pitch the conversation on Political Strategies to a coke whore. But, then again, I don't watch much CNN. The problem with a coke whore expressing her "like" opinions on "stuff" is that coke whores don't have the best ideas that help the greater population.....the everyman.....Joe Public.

Let me give you an example.

John Smith is a corn harvester in Omaha, Nebraska. He plows the field all day to support his family and put food on the table. (I bet they're having corn.) He kicks back at the end of a long day, cracks open a nice cold one, and gets ready to watch Monday Night Football. Broncos, Chargers.

As he stares into the television he begins to wonder why he's seeing no football.....oh it's because a coke whore thought it would be "super cute" to get rid of Monday Night Football and replace it with a reality show about a group of inner city high school friends that begin making clothes for dogs to raise money, so they will not be denied their senior prom due to the lack of funding from the state.

The point is, coke whores mind's are not in key with everyone. The majority of the population care about taxes, family, healthcare......not sucking cock for their next fix. Thank you.

Turning downtime to UPtime!

2008-07-20T16:16:00.002-04:00

Big things are in motion right now, I figured I would drop in and do an update post to let you know what the hell I've been up to.

As some of you may know I recently started working at a radio station and now I have access to a lot of cool toys that I have learned how to use......basically what this means is that I have a lot of downtime at work, so I have decided to turn that into something productive and I am going to start producing my own radio show that will be exclusive to friends via CD. This will basically be kind of a trial run while I learn the equipment, but I hope to soon include it with this site. Stay tuned....

Who You Rollin With?

2008-07-08T23:23:00.004-04:00

Los Locos - Short Circuit 2

These guys have my vote for the most awesome street gang ever. The Los Locos Brotherhood reached it's apex in the 80's. Focusing more on their musical abilities, rather than "stabbing a bitch", Los Locos ruled the streets of New York with a limp fist.

Zed and his Fellowship of Ruffians - Police Academy 2

Zed was the master of the "screamdown". Apparently his vocal cords are the equivilant to 8 punches in the face, 4 kicks to the ribs, and a large, cumbersome object jammed into the anus. Sweetchucks never stood a chance.

Cobra Kai - The Karate Kid

Most people like to revel in the "awesomeness" that was Cobra Kai in the 80's. I, however, am on the other side of the fence when it comes to these guys. Seriously, did you see how fast Bobby pussed out and showed mercy? Sensei John Kreese would have flipped his shit had he been present. Then to get rolled by an 87 year old Okinawian immigrant? Fuck you Cobra Kai.

The Warriors - The Warriors

I think the clip pretty much explains my opinion.

The Purple Falcons - Ace Hits the Big Time (A 1985 CBS After School Special)

The Purple Falcons didn't fuck around. Armed with jazz hands, sequins denim jackets, and even a cake montage, they ran shit.

No, I Will Not Vote for Pedro.

2008-07-08T10:52:00.000-04:00

Sorry man, but just the promise of "all my wildest dreams" coming true, just isn't enough for me to punch your side of the ticket. I mean, you are a nice guy and all.....a little creepy, but I just chalk that up to being a foreigner.

Did you know that our computer labs are still running Windows 95? That's right. I don't even think you can play Solitaire on them. I want to know just what the fuck you plan to do about that......oh, what's that? You weren't aware of this situation? Maybe you would if you had kept your ear tuned to the wants and needs of the student body a little more instead of ramping your "sweet" bike off of makeshift ramps in the school parking lot.

Welcome to the Real World, Cody.

2008-06-12T23:05:00.002-04:00

I was surfing the internet yesterday when I noticed an awesome story on Yahoo! News, (which I take as gospel), but, apparently scientists conducted a study and found that a pigeon is smarter than a 3 year old child. In light of these new findings I would like to take a moment and address my 3 year old cousin, Cody.

Hey Cody, remember at the recent Memorial Day barbeque we had at Grandma's? You know, the same barbeque when I asked you about your opinion on the rising gas prices and the effect that it is having on our economy and you stared at me with that stupid distant look in your eyes? Well, let me be the first to apologize for trying to broaden your knowledge of "real life" and the way things work, I didn't know i was talking to a complete fucking retard. Little did I know I would have recieved a better thought out answer from a rat with wings.

C'mon Cody, seriously? When I was 3, I was already up to the letter G on Sesame Street. What kind of weak shit are you bringing?

P.S. The reason Mommy and Daddy are yelling all the time is because your Daddy is an alcoholic and got caught fingerfucking your babysitter, Julie.

If you didn't get all that, i'll be sure to send a carrier pigeon with an attached note.

200th Postiversary Cold Opening Party

2008-06-09T09:48:00.007-04:00

In honor of my 200th post, I've decided to let you in my head for a second. I've decided to sit down at the computer and kind of walk you through my writing process. Most the time when I write something that makes you say "What the fuck is this guy's problem?" It usually is created from a "cold opening", which is basically a sentence that throws you right into the action. Now, little known fact....I make them up on the fly......I know, huge surprise. So, since I couldn't think of anything to write about for the last month, i decided to sit down here and fire off some cold openings, since they are the only thing it seems i can think of at the moment. Enjoy!

1. The cold steel pressed against the side of my head let me know that Grandma was no longer fucking around about the removal of my shoes before entering her house.....

2. The open palm slap on the ass was meant to be congratulatory for her bravery through this dark time, but, upon reflection, a simple hug and kind words may have been more appropriate as she hovered over her father's casket....

3. If I do one more line of cocaine, there's a good chance I might need to go to the hospital......TGIF eh?.....

4. As I dropped Timmy off at Pre school that day, a part of me died.......no seriously, i had a stroke on the way home and can no longer feel the entire right side of my body......

5. Mr. Franklin hadn't shit his pants in such a long time, but the excitement of his first BINGO gave me a whole new set of cleaning duties on that cool, October day....

6. Now that i have had some time to cool off, I can honestly see her side of the arguement. I should be happy about the baby! Fiddling around her vagina with a coat hanger like that! What the fuck was i thinking?......

7. I didn't care how many salty looks I got from the partisan African-American crowd in the club that night......I was going to bring back the Macarena....

8. The amount of blood flowing from Brad's ass led me to believe that he was brutally raped by our gay neighbor, Dave. It turned out to be a tragic skateboarding accident, It was that day i learned a valuable lesson. Don't jump to conclusions....

9. Boy, she is gonna be so peeved when she gets home from work. I swear to God, somewhere, I read that puppies were supposed to land on their feet.......shit! that was cats!.....

10. This wasn't the first time I had to make a late night run through Taco Bell while high......this WAS the first time that the meat in my Cheesy Beef Burrito had been replaced by pubes, however.....

11. I don't care if she is pissed about the bet I made with Steve, I mean c'mon! Farting during the exchanging of vows at her sister's wedding? Bottom line, i'm 50 dollars richer and it was fucking hilarious........

12. I had never punched a woman before, but i really didn't want to sit through Titanic again......

13. She wanted to watch Will & Grace and i wanted to watch cage fighting, she suggested middle ground, Oh man, you shoulda seen the look on her face when I suggested oral sex and compliance!.......

14. This wasn't the first time that I had been caught masturbating at work, however, this was the first time I had been caught getting jerked off by Ed from Accounting....

Most of these will be developed into stories, I'm sure.

The Anderson Family: Rite of Passage

2008-05-22T18:35:00.006-04:00

Stop crying faggot.

Your brother took this like a man.

In fact, we all took it like men. That's how we roll in the Anderson family.

I'm supposed to ignore 87 years of time honored tradition because you have asthma?

That's something your coddling, tampon stuffing, mother and I will never agree on. She doesn't understand what it means to be a champion. She comes from a family of degenerates and pillow biters......the closest she comes to greatness is when I allow her to have sex with me.

WNUT

2008-04-20T18:07:00.016-04:00

Hey Now! It's Big Stick Rick COMIN atcha LIVE from the Thomas Jefferson Elementary School Gymnasium on the ONLY station that rocks ya with the 70's , 80's , 90's, and the hits of today.....WNUT. We are here today for the 2008 Make-a-Wish Foundation Charity 4- TEAM Basketball Tournament and it should be a DANDY!

a DANDY INDEED Rick! It's Tammy Rottentwat here and I am on PINS and NEEDLES because this year the Foundation decided to wait until JUST MINUTES before tipoff to reveal the 4 teams that will be participating in this year's tournament! And......Oh wait.....I'm getting word that......yes.....It is now time for the INTRODUCTION!

P.A. Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to the 2008 Make a Wish Foundation Charity 4-Team Basketball Tournament sponsored by the great people at Burger King.......Stop in after the game with your ticket stub and recieve a free Jr. Whopper.......at Burger King.......Have it Your Way. And now introducing the FIRST team......

The Days Inn Janitorial Staff from Mora, New Mexico!

Holy Toledo! What a surprise! It's good to see that they could make the trip in after last year's minor disagreement with THEN charity president Mike Herring.

But, despite the pending lawsuits, it appears that Sharon, his ex-wife, will play AND START at power forward to compliment the strong inside play of Raul Sanchez......last year's tournament MVP and the new pool boy/love slave of Sharon! Let's see who they will play in the first round game!

The Evening Staff at the McDonalds on the corner of 7th and Chestnut

And they are met with a chorus of "boos" from the heavily partisan Burger King crowd. Do my eyes decieve me Tammy? 1....2....3.....4......they don't even have enough to field a team! The Days Inn Janitorial Staff may get to rest those jet lagged legs for a little longer because it appears that Team McDonalds may have to forfeit their opening round game unless..........

*THE LIGHTS GO OUT*

OH MY GOD! NO!......NO!......NO!.......LORD AND CHRIST NO! THAT SON OF A BITCH....Well it appears they have their 5th TEAMMATE! It's RAYMOND GAINES! But, I thought he was dead?!?! And you thought this crowd was booing before........

Love him or Hate him, Rick, the man can make an entrance......a chorus line of dancers.....midgets on unicycles.....this cannot be good for the psyche of The Days Inn Janitorial Staff from Mora, New Mexico!

That man makes me sick Tammy! The countless number of child victims..........How is he still out walking the streets? Folks, I apologize for the strong language earlier......we will take a quick commercial break and I will compose myself like the true professional that I am.....we'll be back on the ONLY music station that drops the hits of the 70's, 80's, 90's and today on you.....WNUT

Person A : Summer's almost here and YOU know what THAT means!
Person B : Swimmin pools and Lemonade?
Person A : No, dude......Sweaty balls.
Person B : Sweaty balls, huh? You don't say...
Person A : I DO say....with global warming getting worse by the year, these balls aren't getting any dryer, that's why I reach for Gold Bond Triple Action.
Person B : Gold Bond Triple Action?
Person A : That's right, Gold Bond's the most trusted name when it comes to ball sweat absorbtion.
Person B : Say, how do you know so much about Gold Bond?
Person A : ..........I'm wearing it now.

Use only as directed.

We are back folks! While Rick is being talked to by our Program Director, Doug, I will continue on with the announcement of the third team in this 4 team tournament!

The Mentally Challenged YMCA Day Camp Counselers

I had my fingers crossed! Welcome back to the dance! Last year's tournament darlings upset the heavily favored Office Depot Stockroom All-Stars in double overtime! Every YMCA in the Tri-State area sent their token "challenged" counselor to participate this year....and just like last year they will be granted immunity from the "traveling" call, so it appears the only double dribble we will see from them will be the long trail of drool clinging to their bottom lip!

And now Doug would like to speak with you.......

Oh Doug, Jesus.....I said CHALLENGED, what more do you want from me? Wrap this up for me, will you Rick? Dougie Downer is calling......

Will do, Tammy! Let's see who the Mentally Challenged YMCA Day Camp Counselors will face off against in this year's opening round!

Johnny Abs and his Army of Hot Bitches.

Uh Oh! I smell "Tard Trouble" Johnny Abs led the tournament 3 years ago in "being awesome" and with the fresh young talent he brought with him, he doesn't look ready to give up that title quite yet! This could be a short run back to the short bus for these Cinderella simpletons..........what's that Doug?............No.......I just said Tard....not retard............OK........well i'm getting word from homebase that we gotta wrap this up for now......there will be coverage of the first round tonight at 11! Until next time this is Big Stick Rick say goodbye from the Jefferson Elementary School Gymnasium on the ONLY station that gives you the hits from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and today......WNUT.

The Greatest Photo Ever

2008-04-16T11:57:00.003-04:00

10 minutes.

That's all the time that I have left. Where the other 20 went, I'll never know.

This is what it has come to. We can no longer fight like a normal couple.

No, it has surpassed heated arguements and accusations and upgraded to passive aggressive childhood pranks aimed at the misery of the other.

Take this latest endeavor. In the time one could watch the hilarious antics of a young Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, or the suspense of what wacky voice Joey Gladstone would break out next, I was taking it to the next level on this bitch.

Internet research was the first step. It was even more amazing that there were a subculture of people out there in the world who had not only thought to do this, but they recorded results and presented for the entire world to see, like a science project.

There were charts, pie and line graphs, perecentages, even testimonials. There were before and after pictures of each girlfriend that ranged from happy and smiling to hysterical. These people had put a lot of work into this. It would be a shame not to contribute to this research. I have to find the camera.

5 minutes left.

The smell was horrible.

But the website specifically said 30 minutes. I, myself, do think it's a tad bit excessive. But 30 minutes really drives the smell home and you can't get rid of it for years. The victim either has to live with it, or sell the place. And good luck trying to sell with this lingering stench.

Ahh, here's the camera.

Right next to the shoebox where she kept all of her photos. All the photos from the happy times. There were pictures of us in Cancun, Christmas, Thanksgiving, pretty much all holidays that involved family gatherings. There were pictures of Gracie. Gracie is her American Shorthair cat. There were all kinds of pictures of Gracie with Christmas bows on her head......playing with the ribbons from the presents. Typical "aww look how cute" photos of Gracie sleeping.

2 minutes.

There's her car. She's home a few minutes early. That's OK. I should get the camera ready.

Sweet, she went grocery shopping. May as well help her with them. I have a feeling this may be our last experience together.

The door lock unclicks. Welcome home.

"Oh my God! What is that smell!?" she says as she retreats out the door.

I follow.

"Here, let me help with the groceries." I say.

I notice the microwavable tv dinners. Part of me wants to laugh. Part of me wants to throw up.

"Sorry, I got an early start on dinner!" I say.

"What the hell are you cooking? It's the worst stench ever." she says with her hand over her mouth.

BEEP!

Ahh, it's done. I rush inside to get the camera.

She follows.

"Jesus, open the windows to air this out! What the fuck did you cook? I'm gonna throw up."

I ready the camera......check the flash......

"Gracie....come here girl! I bought you some new toys and treats!............Gracie??? Where the hell is she? She always comes when i jingle the keys."

Is the flash on? God I hope.

"Why are you pointing the camera at me? Stop it......help me find Gracie......where is she.......what is that smell? It's coming from the microwave....."

Yes, check the microwave.......

"GRACIE!!!!!!"

She pukes......I snap the greatest photo ever.

You're Welcome

2008-03-27T12:46:00.001-04:00

The Lightbulb

2008-03-26T13:23:00.002-04:00

Last night was one of those "epic" nights in my life when the light bulb suddenly switched on and I was left with self-realization.

It went a little something like this.....

Here I am. 26 years old. At a bar. Drunk. On a Tuesday. Trying to compete for the affection of a girl that, quite frankly, the drunker she gets, reveals more and more pieces of the puzzle that I have suddenly lost interest in completing.

This shit used to fly in college. Oh, I was all about it. There was nothing better than you and your boys combing the bar and trying to zero in on the loudest, most obnoxious, pack of belligerent girls that were posing for picture after picture.

Sometimes, I think it's hard to let go of certain aspects of your life because it's all that you know. You continually try to replicate good times from the past.

The sadness of it all kicks in when you look around at the faces that surround you during these experiences. When you realize that these aren't the same faces as you knew from before. No, it's a whole new crop of faces sharing "their" experiences. You then realize the party is over......or you should.

So, what happened to "your" faces? Most of them have moved on......started families and careers. Sure, they occasionally meet up with other old faces and create new memories. But now there is balance. There is responsibility. Without that, there is nothing.

Well, there IS something. That SOMETHING is the 46 year old man sitting by himself at the bar, buying drinks for any girl and her friends that make any half-assed sexual comment to him just to score free booze. It's the only thing that makes him feel alive again. The lightbulb never came on for him.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me with a decision. Plain and simple.

Who said Chivalry was Dead?

2008-03-19T23:25:00.003-04:00

Lately, whenever i have been signed on to AOL Instant Messenger, I have seen an away message posted by the ladies. They always love to put up these little cutesy, romantic, i wanna fall in love, bullshit quotes.....like this one..........

"Hold her hand while you talk, hold her hand when you drive; just hold her. Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the pool. She'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it. Tell her she looks pretty. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her. Protect her. Tell her stupid jokes. Tickle her, even if she says stop. Slow dance with her. Get her mad, then kiss her. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Tease her. Let her tease you back. Stay up with her when she's sick. Kiss her forehead. Let her wear your clothes. Kiss her in the rain, and when you fall in love with her, fall hard... and make sure she knows it."

Basically everything you just read is complete bullshit. I'll explain.

Hold her hand while you talk.
Why? Did you really miss that many hugs as a little girl that you have to rely on constant physical contact as I explain the sale that Lowes is having this weekend?

Hold her hand when you drive
Look lady, I don't know what bullshit driving test you had to take when you turned 16, but in reality, we drive 10 and 2. What if I have to swerve to miss a deer, squirrel, or God forbid, a child. I would have a tough time looking the dead kid's parents in the eye and explaining the reason they won't be attending the remainder of the 2008 T-Ball season is due to your obsession with constant human touch.

Just hold her.
Most relationships I have had where I have initiated the amount of "holding" you are suggesting have ended with her fucking my best friend as they take turns joking about how clingy and smothering I am.

Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the pool. She'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it.
Will she really? Answer me this. Let's say you have chosen a mate with water issues. She never learned to swim or had a baby brother drown at a 4th of July BBQ in 1989. You want me to joke around about that shit? She would be fucking terrified.

Tell her she looks pretty.
and what if she doesn't at the time? Well, that would be lying and according to every chick I have ever talked to, you hate liars.

Look her in the eyes when you talk to her.
OK, so far I have to hold her hand, look her in the eyes......talking is hard.

Protect her.
That's a little vague ,isn't it? OK, sure I got her back if someone talks shit on her, but if we come face to face with a mountain lion......well let's just say she better start doing some pushups or something.

Tell her stupid jokes.
Why should I stifle my creativity by engaging her with sub-par humor? She's getting my best shit like everyone else.

Tickle her, even if she says stop.
I would like to see this hold up in court. I ain't falling for that one again.

Slow dance with her.
Deal, but only at weddings and anniversary dinners.....just hanging around the apartment, that's kinda weird.

Get her mad, then kiss her.
Why can't I just kiss her? Getting her mad is kind of pointless, doncha think? My luck, I'll say some shit about her family to get her real riled up, go in for the kiss, and recieve a kick to the gonads.

When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
Why should I have to confess my love for her to combat against some swear words? I'm a big boy, I got a few of my own.

Let her fall asleep in your arms.
That would be OK, if they didn't always fall asleep ON your arms. I gotta sleep at some point too. You ever try falling asleep with absolutely no blood circulating in your limbs?

Tease her. Let her tease you back.
No. I mean, I can take it, but what if she has weight issues? What if she is self concious about the way her hair looks? What if she has daddy issues? Fuck that.......teasing is a good way to get your cock cut off while you are sleeping.

Stay up with her when she's sick.
Fine, but for one month, I get a blow job whenever I want, even after you just brushed your teeth.

Kiss her forehead.
OK, and after that I'll kiss your elbow......then your ankle......then another completely random place on your body.

Let her wear your clothes.
I don't see why anyone would want to wear skid-marked boxers tainted with dry semen from a night of Cinemax porn because she "had a headache", but go ahead.....knock yourself out.

Kiss her in the rain
You know, if we kissed inside........away from the rain......I might not have to stay up all night with her when she gets sick......just sayin.

and when you fall in love with her, fall hard... and make sure she knows it
That way she has something to laugh about to her friends after she leaves you.

The day I got owned by Dr. Bill Johnson

2008-03-19T22:48:00.003-04:00

Hey this is Shawn, I can't get to my phone right now, so if you'll leave me a message, I'll be sure to get back to you........

Shawn......Bill Johnson......what the fuck, man? You know, it's one thing to dodge my calls, but it's another to let weeks go by without returning them. And let me ask you something, who the fuck are you to screen calls anyway? You need all the friends you can get these days as far as I can tell....Took a look at some pictures of you from like 2002......someone put on the pounds! Heard you moved back in with the parents and you are working part-time at a radio station! How's that goin? I drive a Lexus and I'm banging your high school sweetheart......you know the one you tried crawling back to after you failed out of college for the second time? Things didn't quite go the way you planned huh? Oh, that's OK......you'll bounce back right? You always did! Have another beer, it's helped you solve all your problems so far! Also heard through the grapevine you were trying to get yourself back out there and throw your name in the hat for the courtship of some "lucky" lady! Just can't woo em' like ya used to, huh buddy? I wonder what it is? Couldn't be the excess 25 lbs you lug around daily. Couldn't be the sweet set-up you got at the parents house at the ripe age of 26! No, no, no. Chicks love that shit. Anyways, just wanted to call and say hello.....(random hot ex says hi.)

New Job!

2008-03-05T12:54:00.002-05:00

I am now working for a radio station.

Of course, right now it's about as far to the bottom of the pecking order as you can possibly get.

I have become a board operator, basically, I am in charge of making the "magic" of radio happen behind the scenes while you sit there rocking out, unaware of me even being there.

I do awesome things like check meter readings, make sure commercials run when they are supposed to, update weather forecasts, and update the action phone.

But I'm around music all day, which is fucking awesome, no more ties, no more "visits" from corporate......it's all gravy baby! This, of course, is the first step in my plan for total life turnaround 2008. Stay tuned.

If I would have written "Hey There Delilah"

2008-03-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

Hey there Delilah, what the fuck's up with your sister?
I realize I was drunk and probably shouldn't have tried to kiss her.
Are you mad?
Whatever you do, don't tell your Dad.
Cuz' that'd be bad.

Hey there Delilah, yeah, I hope you read this email.
Truth be told, your sister sucks, I think she is a "she-male".
Oh my God.
I think I need another shot....
or some pot.

Oh, don't get pissed at me
No, don't get pissed at me
Oh, your sister is a freak
So, don't get pissed at me
Don't get pissed at me.

Hey there Delilah, if you even are still reading,
I ask you very nicely, leave the courts out of this beating,
that I'll get.
Please don't take half my shit.
Take the kids.

Hey there Delilah, while your crashing at your best friend's,
Just know that I am starving and I masturbate on your side of the bed.
All over the bedspread that you left.
That's what I said.

Oh, don't get pissed at me.
No, don't get pissed at me.
Oh, your sister is a freak.
So, don't get pissed at me.

A thousand times, I've called your cell,
But you just screen me, what the hell
am I supposed to do without you here?
No one here to cook or clean,
almost out of Vaseline
and I need someone to get me another beer.
Delilah, if you come back today,
I'll wash the sheets and I just may,
let you watch the shows I think are gay,
except Thursdays.

Cause that's when Lost comes on, it's a really fuckin sweet show,
about these people on an island and an evil group of people,
that kidnap kids
There's even time travel in it.
American Idol is for pricks.
They totally exploit those fuckin kids.....
those fuckin kids.....

Oh, don't get pissed at me
No, don't get pissed at me
Oh, your sister is a freak
So, don't get pissed at me
don't get pissed at me......

A Pussy and a Promise

2008-02-22T11:49:00.004-05:00

It took exactly 15 seconds for John to throw me under the bus and essentially stomp my balls into the ground. In retrospect, he was, after all, the last person in the world that I should have entrusted with this kind of vital information.

The fact that I gave Diane crabs, to me, is really a nonissue. She acts like the miracles of modern science won't knock that shit out in 3 days. But, bringing it up in front of her sister (my wife) was really a rookie move. I thought the pact made between two intoxicated friends at a local billiards hall during halftime of the Super Bowl was sufficent enough to withstand the awkwardness of a Sunday family dinner, apparently not.

So, as I lay on this couch with all of my shit in the front yard, I am reminded of the drunken ramblings of my father.

"Don't marry her, her sister is a looker, you'll wanna fuck em both!"

Alas, what I passed off as incoherent jibber-jabber at the time was really an ominous warning, a passing down of fatherly advice. That old man.....that old drunk man knew I would fuck this up.

Oh sure, John innocently claims that the "crab reference" at dinner had nothing to do with the mites that were pinching away at the outer walls of my sister-in-law's vaginal region, but he was merely commenting on the glorious seafood bonanza my wife had lain before him.

Bullshit.

You know, if John wants to play the "reference game" I got a few of my own. Maybe his wife would like to hear a "reference" of a certain someone sporting a FAKE wedding band. The better "reference" would be to explain where the original is......No, no, it would probably tear his family apart! His kids may look at him a little different if they knew Daddy paid 100 dollars, out of their college fund, to perform the shocker on a 19 year old runaway in the V.I.P. room of The Cathouse. Forgetting to remove the ring provided us with a great story.

After about 3 hours of digging, rooting around, and prodding, John, myself, and the entire staff of The Cathouse, came to the conclusion that the vortex that was Cinnamon's vagina, had literally consumed his wedding band. We did, however, leave a contact number if it turned up. The rest of the weekend consisted of John and myself rummaging through local pawn shops trying to find the perfect replacement.

Yeah, maybe I should let that one slip.

To whom it may concern

2008-02-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

You can't help yourself, can you? Anytime I get some solid footing in this earth that you created, on cue, you turn it into quicksand. It must be exhausting thinking of new walls to put up to keep people like me boxed in, although I do give you kudos for originality and style points.

I can handle the personal attacks that are focused solely on me, but when you start fucking with my family, that's when I push back. Because they are the only piece of rope that I have left to cling to in this rapid downspiral that has become my life.

Now, instead of trying to advance my life to the next level, I get to perform damage control on the ship to keep it from sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

It's all idle actions. Unnecessary time spent on trying to maintain normality in my life.

But you wouldn't have it any other way, would you?

Oops, I Did it Again

2008-01-31T10:59:00.000-05:00

OK, Britney.....your tongue-in-cheek media shit show circus is really wearing thin.

So I have an idea that will really make headlines!

Kill yourself.

That's right, kill yourself. I mean, think about it. You really have nothing left to live for. Here, I'll list some reasons to start the process for you.

1. You will never see your kids again.

I mean, that's gotta suck ass, right? Think about all the landmark achievements you are going to miss. First day of school, little league games, walking in on them masturbating into socks.....the list could go on and on.

2. You got OWNED by Playboy.

Think about how hot you used to be...........got the image? Good, now back to reality, you are now too fat and gross to pose for Playboy. I think they even let Anna Nicole pose again. That's gotta sting.

3. Your pussy lips look like mangled roast beef.

I saw the pictures. You look like you sat on a sandwich.

4. You made Kevin Federline a celebrity.

If that's not fucking depressing, I don't know what is. And i'm giving you that one, that should really go on my list of "Reasons to Kill You." You're welcome.

Well, there is 4 valid reasons to get you started.....it shouldn't be hard to think of a few more. So, now that we have established reasons, let's move forward to methods.

1. Hanging yourself.

Personally, I don't think you got the marbles for this method. If anything, I'm hoping this is the first one that you try, because I believe your vocal cords will be permanently damaged before someone saves you and at least the shitty music will stop.

2. Blow what little brains you have left out.

This could be quick and easy. Unless you miss of course. Then you will fuck around and end up like Edward Norton at the end of Fight Club.

3. Jump off a Bridge

This one could be fun. Just make sure that you find a bridge that is high enough, otherwise you are just swimming.

4. Just keep eating.

Seriously, like make a huge media spectacle of it. Buy a McDonalds and hole yourself in there like it's a standoff. Media, will of course gather around you and watch your demise as you continuously eat yourself to death. There will be a trash can for you to piss, puke, and shit in(which can all be televised for the pay-per-view audience) Hire a full McDonalds staff to continue to pump out food for you. This would be fucking awesome.

5. Call Ivan Drago a pussy.

6. Ninja stars to the face.

This is the one that I reccomend. This one is slow and painful. Ninjas feel no remorse for their actions, so it will be pointless to beg for a mercy kill.

Well Britney, being the media whore that you are, I hope you can at least consider some of the shit I'm throwin down here today. Do it for the good of mankind. End it all so that we can be reminded that there is a fucking war going on in Iraq.

It's only after we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything

2008-01-29T01:08:00.000-05:00

I've often wondered what it is to be truly "at the bottom of the barrel" as they say. I would say, short of a life ending disease, I have arrived there and the weird thing is, i'm not even that freaked out by it.

Let's recap for those of you at home.

I'm 26.
I live in my parent's basement.
I'm unemployed at the moment.
I sold my car for quick cash to pay off some debts.
I have no health insurance.
I'm 30 lbs overweight and i'm pretty sure i'm a full fledged alcoholic.

And yes ladies, believe it or not.....still single!

Truth is, as bad as that resume is, things are actually looking up.

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we are free to do anything."
Tyler Durden

Yes, that's right. I'm almost looking at this as relief. Back to square one. A clean slate.

People can say what they want, but if I had to rot away in an office for the rest of my life, I would put a bullet in my head. The way I see it, the future is wide open for me to do whatever the hell I want to do and that's exactly how I'm going to start living life.

I'm tired of trying to compensate for an expected life. I tried the suit and tie gig. I don't see how you all do it. Honestly. You can't be happy.

I know, i know......the money. The money rules everything doesn't it? That's cool though. Some people will always let money dictate their lives. Who can get the most toys?

The slim minority that prefer happiness over the money.....well, that's the team i'm joining.

Ron "The super annoying" Dolphin

2008-01-17T19:00:00.000-05:00

What's up fuck knuckles! Oh me? Not too much....just enjoying BEING A FUCKING DOLPHIN! No big deal.

What are you? A human? HAHAHAHAHA That's super lame!

Guess what? I can see your girlfriend's cunt lips from down here!!

My smooth, slippery, skin owns your fucking hairy, pale, and pasty complexion! Booyah!
Ron 1
You fucktards 0!

How rad are these teeth? Perfect in symmetry, they are capable of cutting straight through bone. You chipped your tooth on a Skittle.

I get mad dolphin ass. I crush whale pussy too. You ever had whale pussy? Hell no you haven't. Whale pussy is so cavernous, you would be lost for days and your faggy GPS I-Phone nanobotics technology would be inaccessible because you can't get reception in there.

Feel that? I just sprayed you down with what you thought was water coming out of my spout. Taste it........HAHAHAHA OWNED!

Smile

2008-01-11T00:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a great ride.

All those years of no responsibilites were taken for granted and here you sit staring down the barrel of your mid-twenties.

All your friends are getting married, having kids, starting careers, and learning the fun of having a mortgage instead of paying rent.

They did it! They met all of the goals set by others before them and they are a now a contributing member of society.

They have big dreams and they smile a lot, they should....they figured it all out. They were the lucky ones. They are living the American Dream.

Did you let life pass you by? Or did you sit back and soak it all in and really pay attention to the details? The details.....

All your life you were taught to chase money. You were told that unless you paid attention in school and graduated from a university, you wouldn't amount to shit in this life. This was the mold that you were cast into from the time you were fingerpainting at Worthington Elementary School.

They listened and look at them now.

All smiles.....I didn't know robots were capable.

Owen Schmitt is God

2008-01-03T11:29:00.000-05:00

On behalf of the West Virginia Mountaineers I would just love to give a warm season's greetings to Rich Rodriguez and the entire staff of ESPN, who seemed to forget that the "mighty" Oklahoma Sooners were still playing a team that was one win away from a national championship game. But that's why they pay you the big bucks.....for your expert insight.

If he dies, he dies...

2008-01-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

Ivan Drago is done fucking around. He will no longer sit back and watch you people destroy your lives anymore. There are no more excuses. Next time you fuck up, Ivan Drago is going to fucking punch you in the mouth. It's going to hurt....alot. Oh, you say you have been punched in the mouth before and it's not that big a deal? Listen up dickbags. This isn't some drunken senior pissed off about you hitting on his girlfriend after the prom. This is IVAN FUCKING DRAGO and he killed, yes killed, Apollo Creed, the only man to ever BEAT ROCKY.

What's this I hear about you not calling your mother on Mother's Day?

BAM!! Shot to the fucking teeth from the Russian Assassin. And you know what? I feel no pity. Who the fuck are you to NOT call your mother on Mother's Day? You fucked up, dude.

Uh oh, looks like someone was too busy to make it to little Bobby's school play!

BYAHHH!! One biggie sized Soviet smackdown comin right up. Ivan Drago don't play that shit. Family time is for winners and Ivan Drago is the king of winners.

Ivan Drago punches broads too.

He don't give a shit, I mean, you fuck up.....well, you fuck up. Lack of cock is hardly enough to protect you from a Russian roundhouse from the baddest motherfucker ever.

Oh, you think I'm bullshittin? You think this is a game?

Jason Harris. 28 years old. Thought it would be cool to talk on his cell phone and drive at the same time.

Ivan Drago thought that was a shit idea.

So, next time any of you fuckers are talking during a movie, letting your kids walk all over you in Wal-Mart, farting in elevators, refusing to tip, dressing up your pets, wearing a fanny pack, cracking your gum, quoting Larry The Cable Guy, riding someone's ass, wearing "guy"liner, wearing cutoff t-shirts in public, listening to Soulja Boy, or even if you are just a Michigan fan......Ivan Drago will be there.

Consider this a warning.

5 Reasons why 2010 is going to own all of our asses.

2007-12-31T13:33:00.000-05:00

1. No more of these assholes.
There's always a few of them. Floating around the party, some of them glow in the dark. Let's see how witty those glasses are in the year 2010, when people are walking around with ones stabbing them in the eyeballs.

2. Flying Cars
Ok, there's no scientific evidence that we are any closer to flying cars than we were in 1974, but it's my list so fuck off. Where are these things? My guess they are waiting until 2010 to drop them on our asses.

3. The way we say the year.
How badass is it going to be the first time someone asks you what year it is and you get to say "Twenty Ten." I'll answer for you. It's going to be the most badass thing ever. It'll be like being in a Ray Bradbury novel.

4. We are 11 years away from hearing what the media will pull out of their asses to label the next generation of people.
Yes, it's true. Anyone born between 2001 and 2021 are labeled Generation Z. Good luck labeling the next ones, you're all out of letters!!

5. Robots!
How much will life fucking rule when you can heat your dinner, brew tea, get a blow job, and check NFL scores all in one shot, meanwhile not dealing with things like conversation, nagging, complaining, and feelings? Only the wealthy will know by 2010, this kind of technology won't be available to the groundlings until at least 2024!

Jerking Off in Church

2007-12-31T03:44:00.000-05:00

Seriously, name a "cool" Randy.

Randy is the fuck puppet working at the Wal-Mart Tire and Lube Center who forgets to screw your oil cap all the way back on because he was up late partying with his 17 year old and her friends. Randy is "cool dad" He'll buy the beer and he's totally cool with weed. You can even stay there if you want, Randy will pass the key bucket around so the kids won't drive drunk. It's actually an excuse to maybe, possibly, score some rookie ass from one of the JV cheerleaders.

Randy could also be your 9 year old son's pee wee football coach. When he's not inspiring the young minds and leading them onto the field of battle, he sits around doing crystal meth and watching Nascar. He holds down a part time job at Elder Beerman as a stockroom janitor and he hates black people.

Maybe he's a manager at Kroger's, responsible for putting together the schedule and formulating the locations for the Granny Smith green apples. He studies trends and charts that have information from surveys sent back by people that show at what point of their shopping experience are they most likely to buy an apple.

He could be the wacky next door neighbor, always out in the backyard in a wifebeater and boxers, tending to his swimming pool. Never swimming. Just maintaining.

What if he is the guy going around saying he is training to be a UFC fighter?

No, no....he's the guy who sweeps the cigarette butts out of the parking lot of Chevron.

Randy didn't get to my door in 30 minutes, therefore, the Hawaiian Meatsa Brooklyn Style Double Stuffed Crust Buffalo Triple Cheese Honey Garlic Parmasean Philly Cheesesteak XXL Pepperoni pizza should be free of charge. Of course, Randy forgot my fucking Marinara dipping sauce.

My money is on the dude who hangs out at the doors of the mall, bumming spare change and cigarettes.

Could he be the brother of the girl you fingerbanged in high school, then spread a rumor that you're finger came out green because she wouldn't call you back? He would have stepped up by now......

Maybe Randy is just an illusion. Not even a real dude. A myth perpetuated by the government....your government, to induce nauseating symptoms in the average, fanny pack wearing citizen, to encourage them to spend more money on shit they don't need, so they won't end up in the same trailer park as....Randy.

Randy rhymes with Andy....what's that about???

Randy will eat your balls and titty fuck your grandmother.

GOODBYE 2007.

Jerry takes advantage of a child.

2007-12-22T13:13:00.000-05:00

Jerry knew being a mall Santa was going to suck ass, the piss that soaked through his red polyester pants reaffirmed his feelings.

Tommy, a 6 year old piss factory accompanied by his overbearing soccer mom, Rose, actually had the nerve to sit in a puddle of his own piss, look Jerry in the eye, and ask for a SpongeBob video game.

This, of course, was just another Christmas for Jerry. Another gig to help him float by in life and make just enough to shut up his Kurdish landlord, Akber, for one more month. Tommy was done with his request......Jerry needed a towel.

"Cleanup on aisle 2." Jerry whispered to Luke, his head elf.

Luke was pretty fuckin sweet. Jerry met him at a bachelor party one year. You see, one of Jerry's friends had this weird obsession with pregnant chicks. Therefore, the stripper that performed had to be pregnant. Jerry was the best man, so he was in charge of putting this shindig together. The difficulty and demand of finding a pregnant stripper was too much. Jerry called everywhere. The two that he COULD find had prior engagements on the night of the party. Luckily, Jerry was resourceful. He arranged for a heavyset stripper acompanied by a midget. Luke hid inside the woman's cavernous vagina and emerged on his cue. Top 10 funniest things Jerry had ever seen.

The next one was Julie. She was 8 and had pigtails. Apparently, all she wanted this year was her parents to not be divorced anymore.

Wow, that was gonna be a tough one.

You know....

There is no formal training to be a mall Santa. There are no classes to take. They don't teach you what to tell a child after such a request. You basically have to rely on your own people skills and wing it.

"How long have they been apart?"
"Since September..."
"So, you live with Mommy now?"
"Uh huh"
"Is mommy here with you?
"Uh huh"
"That her?"
"Yea"

Mommy had huge tits.

Using an 8 year old that has recently been through a divorce to pick up on vulnerable women probably wasn't in the handbook.

Jerry looked at his watch.....sweet. Lunch break. He needed a smoke. Maybe holla at Mommy. That little girl would be pretty fuckin stoked if Mommy banged Santa. Couldn't get Daddy back, but you get something even better, THE Santa will come and hollow out Mommy. The coolest part is, he could probably get some cookies out of the deal.

This was gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Ah hell naw

2007-12-11T20:20:00.000-05:00

Monday Eve

2007-12-10T00:21:00.000-05:00

The world will kick you, rape you, break you, fool you, play you, screw you, forget you, omit you, shun you, berate you, devalue you, shame you, embarrass you, erase you, hate you, cross you, rip you, hurt you, degrade you, trample you, smash you, whip you, beat you....fuck you.....if you let it.

A Slight Disagreement in the Kitchen

2007-12-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

When I was finally away from her striking distance, I was able to finish my thoughts on her family. I was able to express the level of white trash that I believed they had attained over the six long years I've known her.

She wasn't happy about this, why would she be?

If my parents had to hunt for food, instead of giving in and going to the local grocery store, I suppose I would be somewhat reluctant to share with other people, myself. It's not that I dislike rednecks......I just don't understand them. Quite frankly, I'm somewhat frightened of rednecks.

They own too many guns and hate too many races.

You would think that being a white male, I wouldn't be so fearful, but the dumb bitch slipped up and told her parents that I was a quarter Jewish. Needless to say, I've been getting salty looks ever since. Maybe it was the Christmas card that she recieved last year that said...."Merry Christmas to you and your kike friend, may he be regretful for killing our savior Jesus."

That didn't exactly scream "Welcome to the Family."

Her Uncle James was, by far, the worst, though.......he had this thing, where everytime he said hello to me, he would have to try and hit me in the nads.

Sometimes, he would playfully graze them.

Sometimes he would go all out and try to take me down.

It all hinged on the amount of Pabst Blue Ribbon's he had flowing through his body. It concerned me more that a grown man, and I use that term loosely, had the infatuation of trying to feel another man's private area. This was obviously not someone that you could leave children around. They would either be neglected or loved TOO much and I didn't want to take the chance.

Plus with all the ball striking, I don't even know if it is physically possible for my sperm to reproduce a child.

Yeah she needed to hear this.

She could throw all the Spagettio cans she wanted at me,

this was the time for truth.

Snowed in and Bored

2007-12-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

Jared fidgeted a bit, but it was best not to move too suddenly.
The precious moments that he spent with Grandpa, were filled with shame and self-regret about the secrets he was allowed to share with no one.

Was it normal to bleed this much?

Grandpa gave the thumbs up. Therein lied the problem though, Jared asked if it was REALLY necessary to use both thumbs in this situation. Grandpa nodded and handed Jared a chocolate/vanilla swirl Snack Pack to tie him over until Grandpa finished his business. Just one hour left.....

I'm Coming Home

2007-11-12T21:33:00.000-05:00

A year away from my life has made me appreciate it.

The Minor Circuit revisited

2007-11-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

Glass Joe

After a long bout with depression, "Glass" Joe McCarthy, found himself on the business end of a 12 guage shotgun on Christmas Eve in 1994. Years and years of abuse in the ring spilled over to his personal life resulting in a failed marriage and 3 children that were too ashamed to look at him. After Joe pissed away their tuition money in late 1991 on booze, broads, and numerous pyramid schemes, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease from having his face beat in on a regular basis.
The disease,however, did result in an unnecessarily painful death for Joe due to the fact that he could not steadily hold the shotgun still as he blasted shot after shot into his open mouth. The first 2 took out chunks of his jaw and neck, while the next 2 did just enough to make him lose grip of the shotgun. He was completely aware of everything as he laid and bled to death in the basement of his Newark home.

Von Kaiser

An Adolf Hitler Memorial Museum probably isn't the coolest thing to own and operate. One could also say it's not cool to organize German-Americans to try and finish Hitler's work. One could say it would even be going too far for a grown man in his 50's to be posted up outside of Jamestown High School offering 16 year-old girls stache rides.

Piston Honda

After his humiliating defeat to Little Mac in 1987, Piston was shunned by his home country of Japan. Piston was denied access to his homeland and condemned to a life in the USA. With absolutely zero understanding of the english language, Piston was swindled and hornswaggled by every smooth-talking dishonest asshole that crossed his path. Broke and in the gutter, it appeared that it was game over for Piston. Then he met Greta. Greta was a homeless prostitute with no teeth and big dreams. She nursed Piston back to health and slowly taught him the english language. Late one night, over a can of beans that Greta warmed over the trash can fire, Greta told Piston of her plans to one day open a beauty shop. She spoke with such passion. It brought a tear to Piston's eye. He swore that they would save up the money and open it together. When winter arrived, Greta was overcome with pnemonia and died in Piston's arms. He then made a vow. He swore to open the beauty shop by summer. When the money was saved, Greta's Garden was open for business. However, it was short lived, due to the fact that Piston had no idea how to style one's hair. An arguement took place after the first customer was unhappy with the huge chunks of hair missing from her head. The arguement was settled the only way that Piston knew how.....a Katana blade to the throat. He is now serving life in prison.

And now it's time for racist intermission.

"Haha, I got yo bike sucka!"

Mike is an asshole

2007-11-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

Mary, Mary
lookin scary
teeth all out of wack

it's her birthday
and the first day
you took shots of Jack

Twelve 'o clock
you check your cock
to make sure it's alive

slam your beer
cuz you ain't queer
give Mike a high five

You must approach
the birthday roach
to try and win this dare

vision blurry
better hurry
shit i tripped on a chair

Falling fast
man, im trashed
i hit the floor real hard

bouncers notice
and i did this
all for a retard

I took a chance
with piss in my pants
i'm kicked out in the street

fuckin Mike
with his vodka and sprite
is such a fucking cheat

He tied my laces
cause' i was wasted
and pushed me toward the girl

he won the bet
and better yet
went home with her hot friend, Cheryl

Put em in a bodybag, Johnny!!!! Yeah!

2007-10-16T18:43:00.000-04:00

Local karate school can't stop recent crime activity.

Despite the best efforts of John Kreese and his team of high school karate students, also known as Cobra Kai, our small town, San Fernando Valley, has fallen victim to a recent local government overthrow by a radical ninja group known only as, "Red Banzai". Even more shocking reports have indicated that "Red Banzai" may have formed an alliance with the LaRusso family in New Jersey. Recent sources confirmed the arrival of a scout. For those of you confused on what exactly a scout is, or does, it should be known that the mafia have likely sent, 16 year-old, Daniel LaRusso, grandson of New Jersey crime boss, Anthony "Thumbs" Larusso, to live amongst our community and feed information to foot soldiers that have been stationed back home.

All of this was an innocent scouting mission, designed to give the mafia an idea of what financial opportunites were accessible to them in a "west coast" forum, until recent photos surfaced that showed young Daniel contacting Kesuke Miyagi, an elder Okinawan immigrant, and former Yakuza crime boss. Miyagi was stationed in California when he joined the Yakuza equivilent of the "witness protection program" in 1972.

The intentions of the secret meetings were somewhat unclear until 2 months ago when it was announced that Miyagi had taught Daniel the "dark arts" and entered him in the All Valley Karate Tournament. The public perception was that first prize was a 500 dollar purse and a year membership to Blockbuster Video on the corner of Ventura and 12th.

But anyone in the criminal underworld knew the truth.

This was a tournament with a much larger reward.

The winner would earn a free lunch with Mayor Steve Farnsworth.

Why is lunch with the mayor so intriguing to Miyagi and LaRusso? Being aware of the exact wherabouts of Mayor Farnsworth for that extended period of time would increase the liklehood of success of a kidnapping attempt by strategically placed ninjas, planted by Miyagi himself.

With the mayor out of the picture, city hall would be vulnerable to a full scale ninja takeover, led by Miyagi, and the heir to his new Ninja Empire......Daniel LaRusso.

Luckily, former Vietnam vet, and local karate instructor, John Kreese, caught wind of these rumors and decided to thwart Miyagi and Larusso's plans before they came to fruition. Kreese began to mold the mind's of his young students to a darker side of karate. He instilled a method of "no mercy" for the opponent, because Kreese knew Miyagi's ninjas would return the favor tenfold. When the students were certified ass kickers, they earned a name for their faction.....Cobra Kai.

Cobra Kai's first mission was to find and humiliate Daniel, because he was pretty much a pussy without Miyagi by his side.

Dressed as skeletons, for dramatic effect, they hunted Daniel down at the Halloween dance. Daniel only escalated the situation with a pre-emptive strike.

While Cobra Kai team leader, Johnny Lawrence, was preparing an herbal enhancement aid to bring them luck during their upcoming battle, Daniel drew first blood with a simple waterhose to extinguish the flame of battle before it was lit.

Back and forth the battle forged, until all roads led to the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Which Johnny Lawrence lost by running facefirst into the most telegraphed kick ever in the history of karate.

Thanks asshole.

A modest request

2007-10-14T18:35:00.000-04:00

Mom, I have request, if you would be so kind to listen. Please stop leaving me with Uncle Dave. Last week, while he was "babysitting" me, I was repeatedly used as a scratching post by his fucking Tabby, Frisky, as I witnessed another woman, that was not Auntie Pam, engage in a wrestling match with Uncle Dave, twice on the living room couch, and once on the floor of his unkept bathroom. You and dad may think Uncle Dave is a real fucking hero ever since his return from Iraq last December, but I should be the first to tell you that his child rearing techniques are somewhat questionable. Remember the mark on my leg that Dave told you was from an allergic reaction to the baby powder he used that night??? Those were cigarette burns.
I know....it's fucking appauling. Dave listens to Slipknot and lets me drink the floaters of Amstel Light left behind from the countless whores that parade through his loft apartment on any given night. I've seen Saw 2, at least 12 times and he eats the Mott's applesauce cups that you pack for me. In closing, Uncle Dave is an asshole and if you were any parent at all, you would look into a daycare center, or even the possibility of becoming a stay-home mom. More importantly, you should talk to Dave and get him the proper counseling that he needs.

Don't call it a comeback

2007-10-10T21:05:00.000-04:00

Reggie was a man possessed. The fifteen minutes it took for him to not only devise the greatest diversion plan ever, but to actually steal the driver's license out of Walter's wallet, so that he could Mapquest his home address, was paying off tenfold as he rammed his throbbing meat stick into the backside of a very flexible Mrs. Walter Jones.

The way Reggie saw it, if Walter did want his old lady subjected to the punishment deemed acceptable by Reggie, himself, he would have thought twice about letting the undersides of the desks that his students sat in become a virtual germ orgy of boogers, gum, and other unmentionable substances.

Reggie was forced into a life of custodial duties after failing to graduate from Lincoln High School in 1976. It was almost fate that he ended up in the same school system that he shunned so many years ago. The very same bathroom that he once experimented with marijuana cigarettes and airplane bottles of Yukon Jack was now where he scrubbed dried semen from the sides of the toilet bowl left by young boys discovering the evils of self pleasure.

Walter could have avoided this with one simple rule. No chewing gum in class. It's not that hard to enforce. Mrs Bradley, the English teacher, has lived by this creed for years. Any student caught chewing in her class is in deep doo doo......Mrs. Bradley don't play that shit.

Mrs. Jones let out a moan.

She's enjoying this. She should be. Walter works after hours devising lesson plans and planning field trips to zoos. The bitch has to be lonely.

Reggie finishes on her back and refuses to clean it up, why should he?

It's what he does for a living.

whereyouattoday?

2007-09-27T01:08:00.000-04:00

If i'm still here tomorrow, punch me in the face
What the hell am I doing? I don't belong in this place.
Life is too short to do something you hate
I have to step up before it's too late.....

I've Had Better Vol. 1

2007-09-22T16:05:00.000-04:00

This is a first in the series of ideas that didn't make it. These are all things that I have done that didn't quite get done or were too horrible to put on here. Most of these are results of writers block or boredom......enjoy

There was a time when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made every child in America gush with extreme excitement. Crazed children would drag their clueless parents to the closest toy store, so they could be the first kid in their classroom to have the Pizza Thrower.

Well, those days have came and went. After 3 movies and a lucrative record deal through Pizza Hut, the green foresome has dropped off the face of the earth into obscurity.

Until I caught up with them.

The first turtle I could locate was Donatello. Finding him was no easy task due to the fact that he faked his own death in 1999.

Shawn: You had millions of adoring fans........all the pizza you could eat.......why...........why did you fake your death?

Donatello: Well, after the third movie, where we dealt with time travel, I felt that we had, in essence, "jumped the shark." I mean, for Christ's sake, if Corey Feldman turned down the movie.............Look, all I'm saying is the warning signs were there. Anyways, I immediately said "fuck this" and went on a three week bender. I awoke in Vegas and..........let's just say I got in way over my head with the wrong kind of people. Faking my death allowed me to return to some kind of normalcy.

Shawn: Would you ever consider reuniting with you friends to do.............

Donatello: If you finish that question, I will remove your eyeballs and shit in the empty sockets.....go ahead motherfucker.....I dare you.

There were things that Donatello wasn't telling me. What fueled this hatred? I had to get to the bottom of this......

Leonardo. The leader of the group. I couldn't believe it. My childhood idol was standing right here before me and I had so many questions. I decided to ditch the questions I drew up on a notecard at the last minute due to unforseen questions that had surfaced upon meeting my childhood hero.

Shawn: Um, Leonardo? Why do you have tits?

Leonardo: This is me, this is who I am.

Shawn: Right, so does your sex change have anything to do with the reason why Donatello has distanced himself from the idea of a reunion?

Leonardo: Probably. That homophobe. But don't let him fool you.....there were many nights that we put those bow staffs to creative use...

Shawn: Are you saying that you engaged in homotortise activities with Donatello?

Leonardo: Honey, I was all up in that shell.

Disturbed and quite scared of what I would find around the next turn, I decided to contact Raphael. I would find him in Charlotte, North Carolina. From what I could tell, everything was going great with Raph. 2 kids, beautiful wife, dog in the front yard......the American Dream.....that was until I talked to him.

Shawn: I must say, you look like you have done well for yourself compared to your fallen ninja brother and sister......what is the secret of your success?

Raphael: 9/11.

Shawn: ...........come again?

Raphael: I masterminded 9/11. I recruited the sand niggers to do my bidding and I profited off the pain and suffering of an entire nation.

Shawn:.........oh my god.....

Raphael: Want a beer?

As I sped away in my car, I began to lose faith in everything I ever held sacred in my life. How could this have happened? Michaelangelo was my last hope. He had to hold the key to the answers I seeked. My breath was taken away when I had learned that he had choked to death on a walnut that was littered all over his pizza.

Why? Why Michaelangelo did you have to put so much weird shit on your pizza? Why the hell couldn't you just eat like a normal person?

I'll be back, now......

2007-07-17T04:04:00.000-04:00

I Wear a Tie to Work.

2007-05-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

Sell your soul to make the deal
Who gives a fuck how they feel
It's all about the scratch
and how fast you make it
Look em in the eye
A smile? Try and fake it.
They want results
and numbers don't lie
Stab each other in the back
for a bigger peice of pie
You'll always need more
to keep up with this game
You'll never stop
til the money or the fame
makes you forget how shallow you are
the price of your watch, the price of your car
burns up your halo, baby, you're a star.

Today We Salute......

2007-05-09T21:23:00.000-04:00

The Truffle Shuffle!

Don't Hassle the Hoff

2007-05-06T12:09:00.000-04:00

We've all been there. 4:00 AM......lying in a huddled mass on our floor, gorging ourselves on a delicious double with cheese, and muttering incomprehensible english and grunts between each glorious bite. It's all about being an American! It's why we live in the greatest damn country on Earth!

But when a 12 year old little girl......no scratch that......12 year old little demon child elects to grab a video camera in an attempt to shame the greatest entertainer in our lifetime, well.....i cannot sit idle. So on this day....May 6th, 2007, I announce my UN-retirement.

I mean, The Hoff was probably out on the town, celebrating his awesomeness, and when the club became too lame for him, he decided it was chow time. He then, probably, braved the elements of night traffic in his, probably, talking car, with a gaggle of hot ladies, to the nearest Roy Rogers to get himself some delicious grub. He then, probably, drove around the city, top down, so the wind would whip through his hair, while recieved road head from a girl who, may or may not, have been named Sarah. The Hoff didn't care.....head was head.

In the midst of all his drunken glory, The Hoff, probably, realized he was being a negelectful parent and decided it was a great idea to drop off the broads, roll back through Roy Rogers, and get some food for his 12 year old daughter. It would be a great bonding experience. They could sit around, enjoy each other's company, and The Hoff could probe her little mind to find out all the nasty things Mom has been saying about him, what's she doing with the alimony money, and who the hell is Uncle Steve.

As the Hoff stumbled through the front door at 4 AM, screaming the name of his daughter to get out of the bed and spend some good ol fashioned QT with Papa Bear, the little girl actually had the nerve to get all "I hate you Dad" on the greatest human being ever to emerge from a woman's vagina in our lifetime. As The Hoff collapsed to the floor and set up shop, eating his fries first, he looks up to offer his daughter a chicken tender, but is met with the cold stare of a camera lens. The Hoff tried to make sense of the situation by concentrating on keeping his burger in one piece long enough for it to reach his mouth.

He answered back to his daughter's decision for filming this landmark occasion with....."Unghhhaaah......pbbbbbt....unghaa!" She had the nerve to say that his drinking was becoming a problem and that he would be fired from his TV show! HA! The whole reason TV shows even exist is because of David Hasselhoff, so this bitch better recognize. As mustard ran down The Hoff's chin, he began to realize he was on camera....figuring this would be a good as time as any, the crocodile tears worked their way out of his eyes as he promised his daughter he would never drink again, he would visit more, try to be a better father....but the whole time he was really wondering if she was lighting him correctly. This was primo Oscar worthy shit and as drunk as Hoff was, he knew this.

As the 12 year old continued to spit venomous lies about The Hoff for the next 5 minutes, I began to feel sorry for him. All the man was trying to do was eat, i mean, if this little bitch didn't want her chicken tenders and be amongst the company of Gods, she should have taken her ass back to the sack. The one-man shit show was worthy of an academy award and the food looked delicious.

Yeah

2007-03-28T19:39:00.000-04:00

Eight hours away and nothing's changed
Sure I got money, but i'm still deranged
the nights i forgot are the one that i miss
chillin with friends and takin a piss
off of my porch on my neighbor's car
hittin the bottle then hittin the bar
hittin the bong, playin some pong, downloadin songs, was it all wrong?
I suppose, but who cares, those were the days
i've replaced with suits and shaving my face
good times with friends while smokin the green
have turned into memos and copy machines
it would be all good if you all were here
and i wasn't alone while drinkin this beer
burning my minutes and staring at walls
chillin on myspace and scratching my balls
i'm not sayin much but i do have to say
when you got somethin good, don't wish it away

Barry Denied

2007-03-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

Barry once kicked an 8th grader in the balls to impress a girl. As expected, the girl was absolutely horrified and avoided Barry like the plague after the incident. But that's how Barry rolled back then. The dude just didn't give a fuck. We, "the normal people", of course, saw no rhyme or reason to Barry's methods, but it all made sense to him. He even went as far to act surprised when his advances weren't reciprocated by this broad. Pussy's cool and all, but you can't just go around booting 14 year olds in the nads, it's just kind of a dick move. Especially when the kid ain't lookin. He didn't even have a chance to clench up and try to absorb the blow.
It wouldn't have been so weird if Barry didn't pull the same shit 3 times after that, not to the same kid, thank God, but children nonetheless. Twice to win a bet and once to settle an arguement over the better Harry Potter movie. Well, the whole thing made the papers and Barry became some kind of "serial child testicle kicker" of sorts. Parents freaked out. Attendance at PTA meetings tripled. A curfew was put in place to protect the balls of every child within a 3 mile radius of Barry's house......well that just made Barry go 4 miles. Three years went by as Barry traveled across the state of Minnesota on an all out, nut punting rampage.

CNN caught wind of this story and brought on psychologists and anyalists to try and break down and rationalize this seemingly odd behavior being displayed by a 34 year old man. They had charts, pie graphs and all types of schematics that functioned as predictors of the next town the could fall victim to Barry's voyage. Baffled law enforcement officers of all ranks would hold press conferences for concerned parents, assuring them that they were using every resource available to track down Barry, the nation was on edge.

Pretty soon the President was forced to address the nation and comfort the people by telling them that the FBI were working feverishly around the clock to bring Barry to justice. Specially trained dogs were sent on in packs to trail him down. Choppers circled the entire state of Minnesota. Every child between 10 and 16 was issued a special cup for protection.

But Barry always found a way.

The Army was called in and declared the whole entire state of Minnesota on lockdown. Nobody in, nobody out. Nobody could leave their houses. The economy stood still. Fear overcame millions.

So to answer your question, No, I don't think it would be cool if Barry tags along with us to the lake this weekend.

A Memo for Britney

2007-02-19T21:12:00.000-05:00

You know. There was a time in my life when i would have given my left gonad for one sniff of the underwear that you refuse to wear over that mangled ham wallet you seem to be trying to pass off as a vagina, but those days are long gone. Furthermore, I have half a mind to tell you that your parenting skills are sub-par, at best. Answer me this you bald cunt....How in the fuck do you go this bat-shit crazy? My only wish is that time travel was possible so that I may travel back to the year 2000 and punch myself in the balls for even thinking about masturbating to the video for "Oops I Did it Again".

Ciao'

Shawn

Southern Musings

2007-02-17T18:21:00.000-05:00

Run to myspace and update your life
you now have children, you got a new wife
here's a pic of me and my sis!
here's another, i'm drunk as piss!
Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show
you know that cuz i told you so!
It's all right here for you to see
and if you care then message me!
I'm on all the time, i'll respond just like that
my profile picture is me and my cat
her name is lizzie she just got declawed
you notice my hair? I just dyed it blonde!
Ohmigawd right? I'm so fuckin hip!
Here's some photos from the recent road trip!
We went to Ohio, New York, and Maine
the weather was awesome til it decided to rain
it's all in the pictures, there's many to view
as a matter of fact, 192!
I hope you got time, because i sure did
what's that crying? I think it's my kid
she must be hungry, tired, or cold
Ohmigawd! Juila Roberts is looking soooo old!
I can't believe Stacy uses her as a profile pic
she thinks she's so hot, it makes me so sick
cuz we all know she's fat and kind of a skank
totally fat thighs and an ass like a tank
but she's like my friend, she's in my top 8
real life is lame, but myspace is great!

Life 2.0

2007-01-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

As I pack up the last few things, I stare into the amber glow of a cigarette and think about the situation for the first time.....the clarity consumes me. The stars are aligning a little too easily and anxiety sets in. Or is it fear? For 25 years, i've called you home and now you are fading with every second that passes. The faces i've known, the familiarity....it will all soon be replaced with mystery and wonder. Just like seven years ago. And to complicate the situation further, she has returned.....just like ten years ago. It looks like God has finally got around to answering some of those prayers that were shot at Him before you became jaded and lost hope. LWS looks down and smiles as his oldest grandson is now becoming a man. And i wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he had something to do with the new fortunes that come your way. Always watching over. He will guide you through this journey into the abyss that is your future. So buckle your seatbelt......it's time for the second act.

Rest in Peace Raymond Gaines

2007-01-16T18:34:00.000-05:00

Brand New Chapter

2007-01-15T18:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't been around for a while. But it's all good because I was getting my life in order. Yes, as you can tell by the picture, I am saying goodbye to West Virginia and setting up shop in Tennessee.....Nashville to be exact. I'm taking a job with Hertz Car Rental and getting paid real money. Therefore 2007 is a new chapter in my life and it just wouldn't be right if I didn't bring you assholes along with me....stay tuned.

Pray your ass off, Todd.

2006-12-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

It's a magical time of year where every asshole with a fanny pack can swipe their Visa and/or Mastercard with the hopes of making little Dylan see that mommy and daddy still love him enough to get him an I-Pod. And Thank God. Dylan's about to lace up the boots and go goth. He's always been into soccer and rollerblading, but lately that just seems......gay. They first noticed it when Dylan's grades started slipping into the ballpark of C's and D's. Or maybe they started to notice when mommy would ask whether Dylan wanted pork chops or chicken for dinner and Dylan only replied with "Fuck you, Mom". Whenever they noticed it is completely irrelevent, because this I-Pod could save years and years of horrible parenting. But we know Dylan will only use this I-Pod to listen to whatever goth kids listen to and smoke cigarettes. So, what's the point? The point is in the gesture. The parents are making an attempt to replace neglect with a material good, hey, it worked when Dylan was six, why not now?

Halfway across the country Todd is on his knees, eyes closed, and sweating. With no cock involved at all, you would be inclined to ask for a reason to be sweating. Cause this motherfucker is praying as hard as he can. He's not praying for material goods, a bigger phallus, more money, a better job, the welfare of a friend, the outcome of a sporting event, or world peace. No, he is praying for Jesus to put the "Christ" back into Christmas. This week-long prayfest popped off while Todd was in the checkout line at his local supermarket. After he had purchased his items and they were bagged that cashier had the nerve to look Todd in the face and say "have a happy holiday!" Holiday? This is CHRISTmas! You better stomp your feet and clap your hands at the chance to even mention big baby Jesus! He died for our sins!!! Pray your ass off Todd.

In the same neighborhood that Todd lives there is a man named Bill. Bill is sitting alone in a room with candles lit. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels rests between his thighs. In one hand, he holds a picture of a woman. Late 30's, blonde hair, green eyes, a smile that could light up a room. In the other hand is a fully loaded 12 gauge shotgun that's barrel is fixing to find a home on Bill's lips. It was 3 years ago to the day he lost his wife. Now he spends each Christmas talking himself out of joining her.

Bill works at The Home Depot with Larry. Larry is a Jew. He and his family have no Christmas plans. He will probably just catch the Knicks game, then bang his wife. He has to work tomorrow.

Boogaloo!

2006-11-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

This show comes commercial free
and you have the best seat in the house
so kick up your feet, grab something to eat
and prepare to be totally wowed
Who the hell's that? Well that would be Zack and Zack hates people that are brown
"The whiter, the better!" Zack Hofsetter continues to solemly vow
so why all the hate? we have to debate what made Zack choose this path
8th grade dance, someone got served, i think you can do the math
Zack broke out the "Carlton" tryin to be all up on Missy Florichesin
Well her boyfriend was black and poor little Zack was about to be taught a lesson
"What the fuck!" Jamal screamed in anger, while Zack was freakin to the latest club banger
Missy tried to tell em, but Zack's cerebellum was bobbin to the beat
"Whitey wants to dance? We'll give him a chance! Yo, Tyrone, bring my feet!"
By feet, he meant shoes, this was bad news, Jamal appeared to be in a real ill mood
Not the good kind of "ill", he was ready to kill, Zack freaked out as the dance-off ensued
Zack was in shock, you could see it in his face, Jamal popped and locked all over the place
The dance-off was on, the crowd gathered round'
Jamal was "boogalooin'" all over the ground
Zack answered back with all that he knew
But the "running man" and "cabbage patch" were echoed with boos
Zack was destroyed in front of his peers
He did all he could to choke back the tears
Missy was even laughing, that fuckin twat
It was a day Zack would soon not forget
Now he's older and addicted to crack
He continues to blame it all on the blacks

20 Worst Album Covers.....EVER

2006-11-28T01:31:00.001-05:00

20.

Li'l Richard and his "all-stars" want you to have an Easter to remember. And who could forget with this album cover?

19.

Christian gospel music has always been a hilarious genre, but it got downright creepy when this little request was thrown out there.

18.

You're welcome Mike......and thank you for the shitty music.

17.

This one might have hit platinum if Tino would have sacrificed his artistic integrity and allowed the airbrushing of his balls out of the picture.

16.

And some of you fuckers had the nerve to look shocked when Georgie boy came out of the closet.

15.

Yes, The Hoff gets the big picture. Literally.

14.

Can't figure out what to get that special someone this year???

13.

I defy you to tell me you wouldn't fuck Joyce......

12.

A blind MC Pooh could only ask one question......"What's that smell?"

11.

........moving along.

10.

Let's take one of the most influential bands ever and surround them with dead babies....I like it, Bob! Print it.

9.

Metal and sexual innuendo go together like Michael Richards and lynch mobs! HAHA I'm SO topical!!!

8.

If the picture is too small for you, that is, indeed, Kenny Loggins cupping a ball of light, while dressed like Jesus. So go ahead and insert your own generic joke about Jesus cupping balls, so I won't have to.

7.

Johnny Menace celebrates Roger's entire catalog.

6.

If the Latin explosion thing happens again here in America, my money is on this dude leading the revolution.

5.

Country Church's earlier shit was sweet, but I feel they have sold out with their newer stuff....

4.

One time my cousin, Gary, went to a Fire Down Under concert, he hooked up with this 30 year old guy because he was tripping so hard on acid, he actually believed that it was a hot chick. He decided to tell this story during Thanksgiving dinner and he freaked out the whole family. This all took place after my grandmother shit her pants.

3.

I'm not really sure what's happening here, but I do know that my prom wasn't this awesome.

2.

Sure, go ahead and laugh. But know this, it took years.....and I mean YEARS of therapy for Jason to cope with the events that took place that weekend.

1.

John: Hello Julie. Happy Birthday.

Julie: Um, Hi Uncle John.

John: I see you got the fake I.D. I sent you, the bouncer didn't give you any shit, did he?

Julie: No Uncle John.

John: Good, good. You didn't tell your mother you were meeting me here, did you?

Julie: No, I told her I was stepping out with friends. What's this about?

John: Patience, my dear......patience. Mmmm,your hair smells nice.

Julie: OK.....I passed my driving test! It was so awesome driving all by m.....

John: God, your sexy.

Julie: What?

John: Nothing......say, you want a sip of my beer? I won't tell....it will be our little secret.

Julie: That's ok, um , how's Aunt Emily?

John: Shhhhhhh. How's school.

Julie: Uh, good.....I made the cheerleading squad, but my skirt doesn't fit, it's way too tight so my butt won't stay in it......um what are you doing under there Uncle John?

John: Keep talking.

Julie: EW! Not again!! Ohmigod, it's all over my new pants! I hate you Uncle John!

(Runs away horrified)

John: (Uncontrollable crying)

A Simpler Time

2006-11-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

I mean, dude. He's had to live his whole life as a freakish lizard/dragon/turtle creature. He's in desperate need of some "na na". Now i'll admit, he could maybe set his sights a tad bit lower than the immaculate Princess Toadstool......

But you know what? Fuck her. Yes, I said it. Who does this broad think she is anyways? She obviously got the short end of the stick when it came to brains. There is no way it should be possible to be abducted that many times in a row without recognizing some pattern of your kidnapper's habits and behaviors.

Bowser realizes this. He realizes that this chick is in no way capable of making her own decisions. He realizes that while he may be no catch, he'll be damned if he will sit idle while some fat, greasy, sweaty, Itailan plumber from North Jersey checks her pipes while Bowser can't get a simple "hello".

Call it cockblocking. If you ask me, Bowser's doin this skirt a favor. As incompetent as he is at running his evil empire, the fact remains, he is running an evil empire, not fishing loaves out of a McDonalds bathroom for minimum wage.

And Luigi............what are YOU doin, bro? I understand Mario is your brother and all, but he's making moves without you while leaving you in the dark. It's true, man. How bout this......How many times have you rolled with Mario on one of his epic journeys.....you've jumped lava pits, stomped goombas, swam with the white octopus thingies, you've even jumped on falling land bridges while completely ignoring your irrational fear of heights......well let me ask you. When it all went down and you helped kick Bowser's ass to once again save Princess Toadstool, how much pussy did you get for your troubles? Mhmm. Yea. That bitch didn't even throw you a thank you. Fuck her and fuck Mario. What you need to do is scoop up Toad, roll to Yoshi's Island, post up on the beach, and smoke a fatty of Yoshi's finest while Mario risks his ass for that cheek kissing cocktease.

thoughts of a dying athiest

2006-10-24T20:06:00.000-04:00

sleep sleep it's all in your head
wake up and you will find all of us dead
the exit we took is frowned on by them
here we all come, it's time to meet Him
He promised salvation, forgiveness, and love
we danced with the devil that fell from above
He turned his head when we needed Him most
now He'll send us to Hell to roast
we'll bum rush the gates, He can't stop us all
the strong will get in while the weak fall
we're getting closer, everyone run
killing yourself was never so fun

Meet Lee Samson

2006-10-22T12:46:00.000-04:00

Lee Samson is the main character in the story I am working on, you already know about his creepy infatuation with high school football, now meet his family.

"So, are we going to fuck or what?"

Mr. Davidson had always been a bit off, but it was apparent from that last request that the final stages of senility had taken hold. The gasps from the congregation drowned out the immediate refusal to the prior question.

"Mr. Davidson! We are in church! I think this is highly inappropriate! Jennifer, honey, quick, get his pants!"

Ah, Jennifer. My lovely wife. She has never looked as beautiful as she does today, even with Mr. Davidson's cock dangling dangerously close to the same cheek that my children kiss everynight before they go to bed. Oh, shit. The children. In all the confusion, I forgot to console them, cover their eyes, something. Yep, just as I figured. They look freaked out. How will I explain this one to them? This is supposed to be the house of God. It's time like this that I thank the big guy for Sammy's autism, for it allows him to not fully grasp the concept of what's happening here.

You may be asking yourself.......Why isn't Lee Samson rushing to his children's aide? Why, Lee Samson, a grown ass man, would send his lovely wife into the mouth of Hell like this? Simple. Hunting accident.

You ever been raccoon hunting? Those little fuckers are faaaaaast, AND nocturnal! I couldn't see shit. Shot my left foot in a panic when I thought I was under attack. The doctor told me to keep it elevated and avoid any stressful situations. I, myself, can't think of a more stressful situation than tackling a 90 year old man to the ground in front of church-going folk and fumbling to stuff his cock back into his trousers.

What's that? Oh yeah, poor Jennifer!! I'll have you know "poor" Jennifer has had three cocks inside her other than mine this week and as for the hunting accident........I was hunting to feed my family! And another thing.........OK........I have to calm down. I'm sorry for getting worked up. Jesus, please forgive me. Oh, thank you God. A man took care of Mr. Davidson's schenanigans. Jennifer, with her hair out of sorts, flashes me the dirtiest look she has ever given me, My daughter.....crying her eyes out. Sammy is chewing on the hymn sheets. Getting right with the Lord is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Excerpt!

2006-10-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

I told you all a while ago that I was working on writing a book. Well, during my absence, I have been hard at work on this shit, I can't give you all the details yet, but here is a sample. Enjoy.

"Aw, c'mon Frank, I specifically called off this Friday!"

"My hands are tied here, Lee. I had three call-offs and we have to pick up the slack."

"Who called off?"

"Emily, Brian, and Sarah.......It's homecoming for their high school or something, I decided to let them enjoy their youth, so be a little flexible."

"Well, what about me? I have plans that night!"

"What do you have going on that's so important?"

"I have tickets to that game!"

"The high school game?"

"Hell yeah, Gibson's arm is strong as hell this year and Fullmer is breaking through every defense that gets in his way, I think we got a shot at state this year!"

"Lee, you are a 34 year old man."

"Frank, they are season tickets and I paid a lot of money for them!"

"You have season tickets for a high school football team?"

"Yeah, look, this is really none of your business."

"You don't even have any kids in high school......"

"Yea?"

"So.........what do you do there?"

"I watch the game! I don't know what's so hard to understand about this!"

"It's just a little creepy to me, that's all i'm saying."

"What's creepy? I'm alumni. It's homecoming."

"Yeah, but you go when it's not homecoming."

"Look, can I just get Friday off?

"Lee, you are a 34 year old man celebrating the achievements of 17 year old kids, I believe it would it be the best thing for you to have your ass here by 5:00."

Bingo Booty

2006-10-11T17:54:00.000-04:00

There she was.....Ol' Granny Epstein. Wearing her new Sunday dress, casually taking a stroll with Smuckers, her pet schnauzer. It was an unusually warm day for October, but that brought the squirrels out and squirrels are fucking awesome! But, I digress. Back to Granny Epstein. She was looking exceptionally smug on that day as she dawned a crooked smile and displayed an extra bounce in her step that dispelled any rumors of a recent hip replacement.

I smell bingo winnings. Why else would she be so happy? Her husband of 62 years croaked from a heart attack and she hasn't spoke to her 2 children in almost 13 years. Her only friend is Smuckers. Her life is a sad tale of constant misfortune and the only thing that that can make an 83 year old woman with that kind of track record crack a smile is bingo booty.

It's common knowledge that old people don't trust modern banking, so i'm almost 80 percent sure this old coot is carrying it around with her in that gigantic body bag she calls a purse. I could barely contain the erection that resulted from the possibility of paying off my landlord and possibly having change left to support my meth habit.

Due to the nice weather, there are mad witnesses. This is going to be tougher than usual. The perfect plan must be formulated. Smuckers is the wild card. That little shit doesn't look too ruthless but what if it goes for my balls? Pain and humilation will follow, i'm sure. A simple punt should eliminate him from the equation, though. Better lace up the kicks.

I think in this situation, the bum rush would be best. My lightning quick movements should surprise and confuse her senses. She may even lose control of her bowels giving me a great story to tell my roommates when I get home.

I charge.

Predictably, Smuckers goes for the grapes. I kick. I missed. Hit a tree. Fuck. My foot might be broken. I fall. Smuckers is all over me. Here's the mace. Shit, that burns. Smuckers won't stop biting my balls. The pain is immense. I immediately regret this decision. You would think she would quit macing my eyes. She won't. Now she's screaming. Smuckers is barking. A scene is being made, but i can't see it. Bystanders are now coming to her rescue. I'm being kicked by a man in his twenty-somethings......what a hero. My ribs can't take much more of this. Smuckers has chewed through my ballsack. This is totally unnecessary. I just needed rent money and I'm too lazy to work. How am I going to get my sack sewn back on? Why is this dude still kicking me? And the mace, how full is this can? Oh great........here's the law. Thank God. Get me out of this Hell.

The bum rush was a bad idea. Shoulda smooth talked this old broad. Gave Smuckers a lil pat on the head. I got sloppy...............................................

"Bob! What the hell are you telling my son?!..........Billy, stay away from your Uncle Bobby......and Bob, for Christ's sake, put some pants on."

Randy the Ill Fated Date Rapist

2006-10-04T12:58:00.000-04:00

Make a good impression........

Not on this skirt, of course, but this shit has got to be epic. The realization of my childhood dream of becoming a serial rapist is in the early stages and it is materializing right in front of my eyes.

Make a good impression......

I mean, this is victim #1!! This is the victim that I will pattern future rapings and hopefully garner local, then God willing, national news coverage. So, where do I set the bar? Do I just rape? No, no, no......too cliche. Rape and kill? That would certainly raise some eyebrows in this small farming community, but I don't believe that is enough to throw myself into the national spotlight.

Make a good impression......

Maybe I'm trying to bite off more than I can chew. Am I really ready for this? I mean, this is a huge step. Maybe I should display some patience, Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. Maybe I should start with a few practice rapes then incorporate murder as I progress through my career. Plus, what am I going to do with the body? I've seen that CSI show and those fuckers can find anything. Speaking of that, what about the semen? Shit, I never even factored that in.

Make a good impression.....

Wait, if i use a condom, then theoretically, no semen should escape. I could just toss it out the window into the nearby river and it will float away. Shit, I forgot to pick some up. This is really hard and she is beginning to wake up........I need to act fast.

Make a good impression......

Actually, this broad is kinda hot. I didn't really notice it when we were at the bar. The lighting in those places are always so horrible. She seems like the kinda chick you could wife up with, have kids, buy a nice house......typical fairy tale shit. A second date would probably be out of the question if I forcefully penetrated her. She does kinda need to trim down her bush though, other than that, this skirt is a 10.

Make a good impression......

Maybe I will just drive her home. This really isn't going the way that I planned and now with her fully awake, I have to admit, it's pretty awkward. I just realized that I'm not really an intimidating presence and with the pills wearing off, i'm having to rely more and more on my personality to seal this deal. Yeah, she wants to go home. Fuck! On the way to her house , I fumble through an explanation of why she woke up in the backseat of my car with her panties around her knees and I begin to feel humilated............and somewhat turned on. I ask her out for coffee.

Inspirado

2006-09-05T01:22:00.000-04:00

Good Evening. I'm Frank Johnson and this is News at 11.

It appears that the missing barrels of plutonium that were hi-jacked from a freight liner, en route to a nuclear plant in Baltimore, Maryland, were found tonight in the most unlikely of places........behind a dumpster, outside of a local bar in Morgantown, WV. One suspect is in custody in the linking to the crime....we now go live to Steve Harrison in Morgantown......Steve?

Steve: Hi Frank.

Frank: Hello Steve, what new developments, if any, can you share with us at this time?

Steve: Well Frank, the information keeps falling like rain around here. The man that has been taken into custody has been identified as Shawn Miller, a 24 year old student, turned clothing store retail mogul. It is believed at this time the motives behind his alleged crimes were a direct result of a botched attempt at time travel.

Frank: I'm sorry Steve........time travel?

Steve: Yes Frank, apparently from what I have gathered from my unidentified sources, he was watching the popular film "Back to the Future" and well, apparently bought into the concept that the movie was portraying.

Frank: I see. Have there been any reports of the suspect's motives or mental state?

Steve: Well Frank, there have been reports that the suspect was under heavy sedation during his experiments. As for his motives, it is believed he was attempting to travel through time to find what he called "inspirado". Upon hearing this, I decided to google the word and found it meant "inspiration".

Frank: Inspiration? I can't believe what I'm hearing Steve. What would be his reasoning behind such an absurd concept?

Steve: I have been informed that the suspect regularly posts on a blogsite that he has entitled "Waking Up From the American Dream". The site mostly contains profanity and constant complaining about things going on in his life. Every once in a while he tries to show he is edgy and he will say things about God, politicians, and celebrities. It's mostly garbage, but it's believed that he has taken a hiatus from writing due to "writers block".

Frank: So.........he was attempting time travel for.....

Steve: Yes, going back to a time when he had ideas.

Frank: That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

Steve: Yes, well, it has been found out that the suspect didn't finish college.

Frank: I see. So we are dealing with a desperate man.....mad at the system that he feels has "screwed" him out of opportunities, that in reality, he never created for himself?

Steve: It appears to be so, Frank. Although the suspect, strongly denies the charges brought against him. He claims, he was just taking time off from writing to clear his head and get back to basics. He has even set a date for the new material he has been working on......October 4, 2006.

Frank: That's soon. Is there any word on what is in store?

Steve: As of right now, the suspect has remained tight-lipped on this new material.

Frank: Well, thank you Steve.

Steve: Thank you Frank.

We'll return after these messages.

10-4-06

2006-08-26T14:47:00.000-04:00

Worldwide email

2006-08-02T12:49:00.000-04:00

Greetings and salutations!

I am known only as Tan on my home planet of Grelva. I figured I would drop you humans a line to let you know what we, the Intergalactic Planetary Council, have in store for you. I hope to shed some light on the things you are seeing on your televisions and reading in your newspapers.

First off, the rumors are true, The Middle East skirmish will esculate into a third world war. Those of you who followed the instructions we sent you for the Y2K drill have a better chance of survival. Because this time, those of you without underground shelter and cases of bottled water are fucked, plain and simple.

The movie "Snakes on a Plane" was sent to Hollywood as a practical joke by one of the Grelvans named Frynth. Please do not waste your money on the film and give him the pleasure of pulling off a successful prank. We understand that a Samuel L. Jackson film is hard to turn away from, but trust me, your money would be better spent towards canned goods or flashlights after the apocolypse happens in the coming months.

We Grelvans are a proud race. We believe in much of the same things that you humans believe. Raising a family, participating in a democracy, and stimulating our economy. That being said, we will no longer stand idle and allow Paris Hilton to release any medium of what she interprets as being entertainment any longer. If you don't do something about this, we will.

Just so you know, the egg came first.

Your president is a Grelvan. Surprised? You shouldn't be. We Grelvans are notorious for brash decision making and "no nonsense" attitude. Before you get too excited about having a Grelvan in office, just know that he is way below the intelligence level even in our culture. I suppose it is partly our fault that he is your leader. When he was banned from our society for getting piss drunk at an IPC function and violating Rule 34......(it's not even worth repeating......let's just say it may or may not involve defecation and a minor) he was banned from Grelva. Upon his banishment he asked "Well what am i supposed to do now?" Jokingly, Goroth, in so many words, said "Why don't you go run your own country where it's acceptable in some circles to defecate on an 8 year old girl." We had no idea he would actually apply himself and throw it back in our faces like that. But it made us question quite a few things. First off, you voted him in. Second, the fact that he chose the U.S. as the place where defecation and small children go hand in hand is a bit disturbing to us.

In closing, I would just like to say that it's been real. You have provided with much entertainment over the ions. We have watched you grow from the neanderthal caveman to the cutthroat businessman, the overweight jerkoff wearing a fanny pack and high socks, the nice old man who can't keep his hands out of little boys pants, the drunken white trash who can't seem to keep from punching his wife and kids in the teeth, murderers, rapists, religious fanatics, crooked politicians..........we are going to flush this toilet soon.

Jesus, ended on a down note........

Random thoughts rock!

2006-07-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

I think I have finally hit the age of questions. It's a shitty age because it's the time in your life where you question EVERYTHING. You question everything you have ever done, everything you are doing, and everything you are going to have to do. You have to ask yourself if what you are doing at this very moment is helping you to get to where you think that you need to go. I have found the answer is usually no. I live in an atmosphere where drinking until you lose control of every available brain function is still considered "cool". Therefore, I am forced to be a mere spectator of the ongoing battle between the child and the adult that dwells inside and, holy shit, that child is putting up one hell of a fight.

It's hard to go to work and take orders from someone practically begging you for sex.

Easy Mac cheese mix is also delicious when mixed with Ramen noodles and cut up hot dogs.

Quitting marijuana is a hell of a lot easier than quitting cigarettes.

Working retail might be worse than working in the food industry. The only thing i can think that would make it worse is if i had to moonlight as a telemarketer just to pay rent.........fuck.

This is not where I pictured myself being at 24.

There is nothing more awkward than when worlds collide. By that i mean, friends of yesteryear, mingling with your new friends. It's even worse when they date each other. After the predictable breakup that ensues, you were responsible for informing each person what a horrible person the other one was and are somewhat blamed for not warning the other. Meanwhile, you try to hang on to both friendships while not looking like you are choosing sides.

You ever sit around and miss someone that completely treated you like shit? What the hell is that about?

It seems like when you get older, you basically have to delete a lot of friends out of your life and narrow your friend base to no more than 5 people. Anything outside of 5 is way too much work.

I think i have adult A.D.D.

I realized how different black and white culture is the other night when I was at the bar. I took the time to look around that night at the situation. On the dance floor were almost 30 black people, swinging towels over their heads and doing some kind of tribal beat dance along with this song that was nowhere near hip-hop music. Then i looked at the surrounding area around the dance floor. Hundreds of white kids looking on with the most hilarious look on their face. It was a look of pure confusion and intrigue. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. The icing on the cake was the fact that it was "biker week" in Morgantown, meaning that thousands of hardcore, white supremisist bikers populated the bar that night also, i made it out alive somehow.

Date Night

2006-07-03T14:30:00.000-04:00

Staring into the glowing screen, I wonder how my life has come to this.

Pants around my ankles. Awkwardly "single pecking" the keyboard with my left index finger.

The cold metal belt buckle temporarily gives me a chill as I type with my free hand. A choice was made moments before this as to which would type and which would pleasure.

Pleasure. I can't even call it that anymore with a straight face.

11:15......almost time for my stories.......better make this quick.

Update

2006-07-03T13:32:00.000-04:00

Sick of the same boring shit? Fear not. New shit is on the way. I may even post a chapter or two of a book i am currently trying to write, yes, i said a book.

If an update is what you want. I have been kicked out of school(hence the sudden interest in really getting this writing thing moving) I work at a clothing store. I am currently residing in Morgantown, setting up for my next move.

You may call me a failure, but i believe it has been these failures that will somehow set me up for success.

"It can't rain all the time."
-The Crow 1994

Ice Ice Baby

2006-06-19T18:17:00.000-04:00

One of the most underrated killers of man has been free to wreck havoc on mankind without penalty for too long. We use it everyday and do not seem to realize the severity of this well known enemy. I'm talking about ice, man. Yeah ice. I'm not talking about the rocks that rappers wear as badges of honor. The rocks that were given to them by armless children of diamond mines in Africa. Oh no. I'm talking about the brrr cold ice. The very ice that sits in our freezers and mocks us on a daily basis. But don't take my word for it. Here is world renowned Ivan Pitosky to drop a little knowledge on your asses.
Hello. Like Shawn was telling you, ice is nothing to screw around with. Sure, it may seem sweet during the summer months and even after a pick-up basketball game with close friends, but peep this.........1912, the single greatest act of terrorism by ice on mankind was conducted by this guy.......Reggie "Too Cold" Randolph.

Reggie spotted the Titanic one night at sea and decided to make a name for himself. I find it disturbing that after the authorities fished the bloated carcasses out of the freezing water, that no attempt on bringing this smug psycho of the sea to justice. He's still out there, folks. Floating along......seeking his next victim. Not on my watch. I have already enacted a plan to speed up global warming to melt this motherfucker down to a sniveling cube.

Some of you pussies out there who can't grasp the concept of what i'm trying to do (and yes i'm talking to you Al Gore) will have to join my cause or get the hell out of the way. Gone are the days of being armed with a single hair dryer and Zippo lighter. We have to think bigger. The ice has adapted to our futile attempts for too long. We have to step it up.

A Letter from Jesus

2006-06-16T17:56:00.000-04:00

Shawn,

Inform the masses on the boycott of the new Superman movie coming out this summer. I was talking to Dad last night and we both feel that the movie is promoting the belief in a false God. Superman leaves the planet for a while and returns only to be the savior for the world. Sound familiar? We are highly offended and we believe that the movie should be thrown into a pit of fire along with that effing Davinci Code schlock.

Thank you,

Jesus Christ

P.S. Dad wants you to know that he couldn't come through on the bigger penis thing, but he will delay the rate in which your pubic hair grows, giving the illusion of a larger phallus. It's the best he could do right now! Ciao!

Jimmy

2006-05-16T12:26:00.000-04:00

Jimmy was a special kid. Some folks called it retarded, but not Mommy. No, Mommy pushed all the retarded talk out of her mind and focused on the positive traits that Jimmy displayed. Such traits as successfully learning how to remove the chewing gum from his hair, not with scissors, but with peanut butter and ice cubes like Mommy taught him. Mommy even believed he was capable of learning how to tie his shoes and even have a mild understanding of the English alphabet by the end of the year.

But not Daddy.

No, Daddy gave up on little Jimmy a long time ago. Sure, he does his part, it keeps Mommy happy, but this was no picnic for Daddy. The newfound comfort he found in Shakers, the local strip club near the airport, was more than enough to keep him somewhat tolerant of the damaged goods he had at home. Yes, he blamed Mommy. He blamed Mommy for the constant ridicule he recieved from his best friend and neighbor, Dave. As the stripper positioned her breasts on the forehead of Daddy, he began to think of high school. High school was where he first met Mommy. Daddy played football and had the world by the balls. Then he met Mommy. Mommy was a cheerleader and the school bicycle, but Daddy didn't care. Daddy thought Mommy had great tits and that outweighed any personality trait that Mommy could ever have. But the fact remained........if Mommy hadn't went slumming into the special education side of the school, Jimmy would be the one carrying on the proud name of Daddy while scoring touchdowns and banging the next cheerleader with great cans. Yes, this was Mommy's fault. It had to be.

Perry

2006-05-04T19:30:00.000-04:00

38 seconds left in the State Championship game and Perry had cheered his ass off. Sure, the rejection of not even being considered for the junior varsity team still lingered in Perry's head. This rejection had sent him into the downward spiral of accepting his impending homosexuality and taking a spot on the varsity cheerleading squad.

Ugh........look at Becky. Her dismounts are so off I could gag. Doesn't anyone even care? This is the state championship. How can our boys bring home the trophy with our spirit in such question? I have to fire up this crowd.

"C'MON YOU WILDCAT FANS, STAND UP AND WAVE YOUR HANDS!!! A WOO COMMIN ON! A WOO COMMIN ON!"

Perry had to use his cat-like reflexes that got him noticed by Coach Shirley Hayman to dodge the flying cup of soda that was being hurled at him.

Who the hell did that? Right there. I see you. Ugh.......Scott Franklin. He's been a dick to me all year. This is the same guy that I let cheat off me in Chemistry and this is how he repays me? He throws a Coca-Cola at me! Whatever happened to team spirit? We are on the same side here!

"Nice throw Scott! You missed!"

"Fuck your mother, FAG!!!"

Well! I know SOMEONE bombing the midterm exam next week! If he even tries to glance at my scantron, I will tell Mr. Dailey! I hope my mother didn't hear those obscentites. Look at her. Ahh, she makes me smile. Got her yellow East Valley Wildcat hooded sweatshirt on. Oh! She even bought one of those noisemakers that are 2 paper plates glued together with beans on the inside! HA! Look at her cheer! I see my father didn't come....AGAIN. He's been distant ever since I joined the squad. He hangs out alot at the bowling alley with my Uncle Gary. Sometimes he doesn't come home until 3 AM, smelling of Budweiser and cigarettes. Uh oh, Foul shots.

"Amanda! Mount up! We need to totally get into his head! M...I...S....S, WILL HE MISS THIS? YES! YES! YES!"

He missed them! I rock SO hard! Ah, I tell ya. The boys owe me. I feel like eventhough I didn't make the team, i am still contributing! I'm kinda like the 6th man! I wonder if they will invite me to the party tonight after we win? I hope so. After all, I did my part. I helped bring the championship back to East Valley! I played a part in this amazing season! Yeah. They will have to invite me. Whoa, 3......2.......1..........YES!!!! State champions!!!! Ah man, this is like the best night EVER!!!

For Sean Ruppert

2006-04-30T15:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I was waiting in line at the post office and I began to think of the starving children in Uganda. The injustices that this world places on us as people is downright wrong and immoral!

And now some poetry......

I am
I was
a tree with roots
oh so plentiful
I am
Like the wind of an eagle's wings
I carry
I love

Thank you

So anyhoo, today was like totally sweet. I totally cheated on my diet and had some french fries. I guess that's just more stairmaster this week. Ugh, I'm such a fat cow, I really hope i can fit into this prom dress........Omigawd!!! btw, Brad totally wants to go steady!!! We are so made for each other!! I'm gonna have like 10 million of his babies b/c he is so hawt!!!

Well that's all i have to report today!

XOXO!!!

Unfuckingbelievable

2006-04-26T15:54:00.000-04:00

You guys want a fucking blog?

OK.

The last 3 days of my life has brought me to the realization of one simple fact. It's a realization that I have jokingly toyed around with to maybe get attention and be edgy, but now I am thoroughly convinced.

There is no God.

That's right I finally said it.

And fuck you hopeful "God has a plan for us all" assholes.

Does he really? Hmm? Does he have a plan for us? Is it predestined where our lives are meant to go? Are you fucking serious? Are we all that gullible?

Let me put it like this, if that's the case, if there is a God and he is watching over all of us, all of his "children", what the hell good is meant to come out of totally tearing apart someone's life for a predestined plan?

To test us? To test our faith? To test our loyalty?

Yeah, I might be talking overdramatic here, but what the fuck?

I have made a shitload of personal mistakes in my life that have created walls on the path that I have chosen to walk, and i take that responsibility. But, when someone is genuinely trying to fix the effects of past mistakes and better themselves, only to be met with a ton of problems that are not in his control, but will make it ten times harder to get where they are going, that's just fucking unnecessary.

If you don't like hearing about others problems and hate whiners, stop reading now. I realize that I am pissing and moaning, but I need to vent.

It all started last week. I was informed that I wasn't even qualified to hold a job in pizza delivery to help pay the piling bills that my roommates are on my ass everyday about. How in the fuck are you not qualified to deliver pizza? A D.U.I. that I was charged with 4 years ago took care of that. Now that wasn't enough to really piss me off, it just reaffirmed the fact that I already knew. I am a fucking loser. No harm, no foul. It was nothing a few beers couldn't take care of.

The real fun began when I visited home and had a chat with my parents.

It was kind of a check-up on where my life was going. My parents and I never really talk about shit until it gets real deep and I have backed myself in a corner.

The questions revolved around when I was going to graduate, where i was living this summer, how I was going to pay for that, why I haven't found a job yet, the piling bill money that I owed to my roommates.......typical bad boy shit.

In the end, my dad loaned me 300 dollars to wipe my debt clean with the roommates and gave me the chance to basically start anew for the summer. It was relieving and embarrassing at the same time because i am 24 years old and I am still hitting up my parents for money.

I left Parkersburg and returned to Morgantown ready to give the money to the roommates. It would be 2 days before I could get the money out of my account.

I walk into my house and go to take a piss.

There is water all over the floor and 3 feet of water in my shower. Not just water. Shitty water. Toilet paper, cigarette butts, what appeared to be vomit.....all over the bathroom. Apparently the sewage pipe is blocked and basically threw everything back into my bathroom.

Disgusted, I call the landlord.

Nobody can make it until 5 the next day. I did my best to mop all the shit up and make it somewhat not totally embarrassing til the dude could come fix it.

He finally arrives the next day and goes to work. While he is working, I leave and go downtown to take the dreaded psych final I had been trying to study for all week.

After the test, i walk in the pouring rain to the other side of campus to where my car is parked.

Firmly attached to front left wheel is a boot. A note on the windshield informs me that I have until noon the next day to pay 200 dollars to the Morgantown Police Department or my car would be impounded at my expense. As the rain poured down on me, I remembered the 300 my pops had given me to wipe the slate clean with my roommates and what I now had to use THAT for. Pissed off, i reach into my pocket for my cell phone to call and be picked up from the monsoon..........it's not there. I had left it in my room before i left. Looks like I'm walking all the way from downtown to my house.

When I finally returned to my house, soaking wet, I find a note from the roommates informing me that the utilities would be shut off tomorrow, so to please give them the money I owe them. Torn, I go check the progress in my bathroom.

Another note.

Please only flush toilet paper when you flush the toilet........Lonnie.

Well looks like he fixed the problem. But made no attempt to clean up the mess.

I spend the next hour on my hands and knees with towels and disinfectants mopping up the pool of hepatitus that i was sure to contract from all the filth.

Finally the bathroom is clean and i take a shower.

Stressing about the money situation, I decide to do what I always do when i have problems and get shitfaced drunk........I pass out.

When i awoke this morning, I walk all the way downtown to bail my car out. I pay the 200 dollars and stop by the bank. The bank informs me that they took a 40 dollar fee from my account automatically due to an overdraft fee. After a huge arguement at the bank, I park my newly freed car across campus in what i figure is a safe lot, behind a church of all places. I put my money in the meter........I have 48 minutes to walk to the financial aid office and check the status of my much needed student loan check that was coming for summer school.

The guy stares into the computer and informs me that he has bad news.

Of course he does.

The amount that I was qualified for won't even pay the full tuition for the summer, let alone provide me with a check. In fact, i am going to be billed almost 400 to pay the rest of the tuition off.

Wonderful.

After another lengthy arguement with the financial aid office, I walked all the way back to my car. There is a golfcart parked directly behind it. There is some asshole standing, checking out my liscense plate with a boot in his hand.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell you doing?" I yell running to the car.

He tells me that Im backed up and owe parking ticket money.

No i don't i just paid it an hour ago and got the boot off my car, it cost me 200 dollars.

I have to wait while he calls the police to come down and verify this. He attaches the boot to my car again, so i won't leave. By this time i have never been so pissed in my life. The police come after 20 minutes and tell the dude that I did pay my parking tickets and to remove the boot and let me go.

I shit you not, they guy wants to charge me to remove the boot until the police let me slide out of there with a warning. A warning for what? I was 5 minutes late getting back to my car because i had to walk accross campus and this fuckhead wants me to pay him to remove a boot he shouldn't have put on my car again.

I am finally able to drive home. On the way home, i think of the money that I no longer have and how I'm going to explain this to my roommates. I'm thinking of the financial aid that I am now NOT recieving. I arrive home.

I walk into take a piss.

Water, toilet paper, shit, cigarette butts, all over the floor.........in the shower........again.

Apparently Lonnie didn't fix the problem.

So fuck it. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do now. Maybe I'll go pray.

Ranting and Raving

2006-04-19T17:32:00.000-04:00

You kids today with your Ipods and cell phones. Makes me sick. The information age has given you thankless pricks the freedom to see porn whenever you want! Do you know how hard it was for me to see a naked broad when i was a kid? I'm talking about standing in front of the television, squinting as hard as you could to maybe make out what appeared to possibly be a boob through scrambled lines. Most the time, the "boob" was a knee, but what the hell did we know? You kids today have the advantage of seeing a woman's stomach lining if she is spread eagle at the right angle. Sure, I had the horny perv uncle who kept a stack of Playboys in his garage, but those were 80's chicks, you couldn't see the vagina if you tried. It was like looking through 3 feet of underbrush. The first time i saw an actual vagina, i flipped out.

And what the hell is up with Tom Cruise? He takes poor virginal Katie Holmes and plants his demon seed into her. Upon delivering, she is forced to give birth in a freaky cult-like setting to a midwife, not a doctor, while everyone stares in silence. If that doesn't creep you out, check your pulse. There were probably chanting monks and blood dripped onto the baby while Tom chanted something in Latin. Im sure this is what she envisioned while sitting in 7th grade History class, scribbling on a notebook and day dreaming about that super hot hunk in Top Gun. Then this fucking midget has the nerve to attack Trey Parker and Matt Stone to pull the South Park episode that depicts Scientology as a cult and him as a homosexual. Comedy Central bowed down to Tom Cruise and gave into his demands. Why? Because Comedy Central is owned by Viacom, which also owns the Paramount Movie Studio, which is releasing Tom's movie Mission Impossible 3 this summer. Tom refused to promote for this movie until Comedy Central pulled the Scientology episode from television. They gave in to Tom and pulled it. Well ok, what about the episode that offended Christians, Muslims, Catholics, Retarded kids, Blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Activists, Republicans, Democrats, PETA, the NRA, Hollywood, the Special Olympics, Gays, Lesbians, the Chinese, the Japanese, Transexuals, Rednecks, Elitists, Mormans, Midgets, Liberals, David Blaine, NAMBLA, old people, the police force, Barry Bonds, O.J. Simpson, the media, Paris Hilton, and a poor gerbil named Lemmiwinks? What makes Tom Cruise so fucking special as to being the untouchable celebrity that nobody is allowed to spoof or comment about?? What happened to free speech? It doesn't exist when people could lose a profit.

Vicarious

2006-04-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

Some of the best lyrics for a song I have heard in a long time. This is why I love these guys. This new album is going to be sweet.

Download this song.

Tool - "Vicarious"

Eye on the the TV
Cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavor it happens to be, like...
"Killed by the husband"
"Drowned by the ocean"
"Shot by his own son"
"She used the poison"
"in his tea"
"He kissed him goodbye"
It's my kind of story
It's no fun until someone dies

Don't look me at like I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying,
"Why, oh why?"

Cause I need to watch things die... from a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all needn't choose your own lie
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing near the grave (...)
The right of the story so
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing

I need to watch things die... from a good safe distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same, so...
Why can't we just end it?

Blood like rain falling down
Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and warrior
Still have the transmitter
Sink to the death rattle

Credulous at best
Your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men
But pull your head on out
Your head, please,
and give a listen
Shouldn't have to say it all again
The universe is hostile, so impersonal
Devour to survive...
so it is, so it's always been
We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I

Join the Club

2006-04-14T14:07:00.000-04:00

"Ok, ok, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up! All new arrivals must be in line 852 B. If you cannot locate line 852 B by yourself, ask one of the designated orientation specialists located near each line."

852 B? What the hell is going on around here? Who is this guy? Hmm, must be dreaming.

"Hey man, what's goin on? Greg Falkner."

"Hey, yeah........Shawn Miller, what the hell is this place?"

"Fuck if I know, last thing I remember I was mowing the lawn and I just kinda blacked out.....now here I am."

"Yeah, same here.....I wasn't mowing the lawn, but I just kinda blacked out too."

"This line is moving pretty fast, I'm sure we will get some answers soon."

All these lines, I hate lines. Ever since I was a little kid....can't stand the fuckin things. I think that Disneyworld is a cruel joke to play on children. The child arrives with aspirations of meeting Mickey or riding Space Mountain, but instead is met with grumpy parents who had to shell out 35 dollars a ticket to haul your ass around all day in the hot sun while waiting 4 hours in line for a 2 minute ride, but so it goes.

"Peanuts?"

"Hell yeah man, I'm starving."

Look at all these clueless fucking people. Like cattle being led to slaughter, we wait unknowingly of what lies ahead. Finding menial tasks such as eating peanuts and pointless conversations to pass up the time until we know what the hell we are standing in this long line for. Pretty much a metaphor for life, no? Finally......the front of the line.

"Shawn Miller..........not a real impressive track record you are working with here."

"What? What the hell are you talking about, how did you know my name?"

"We know everyone's name here. Now let's see......what to do with you."

"Hang on a minute, where the hell am I?

"It's perfectly normal for you to feel disoriented and confused, it's all part of the process."

"I want some answers, man. Quit talking in code."

"It says here that you masturbated in a bathroom stall in the American Legion when you were 14. Bingo with Grandma wasn't too exciting?"

"How the fuck did you know that?..........Look dude..........there was one of those video poker machines with Photo Hunt.......you know, the one with the nude broads on it? I was 14. Just figuring out how to use my equipment........cmon man, you know how it goes.....and who the fuck are you to bust my balls about that?"

"I am St. Peter and you will have to watch your mouth if you want to hang with us."

"St. Peter...........then that means i'm.............fuuuuuuuuck, not cool man."

"Mouth! Ahh, here's another good one......cmon did she really look 18?

"Hey, fuck you! What the hell is going on around here! Why am I here?"

"Shawn, meet Steve. He is my assistant."

"Yeah, Steve, nice, what's his story?"

"Steve will be escorting you to the exit, I told you about that mouth."

"Hey, you hang the fuck on buddy! We ain't done here. Not by a long shot! Start calling me out on some lame ass shit I did when I was 14. Let's dig through your closet and see what we find you hypocritical asshole."

"Steven."

"Ah, hit a soft spot did I?! Yeah yeah, I'll go....I didnt want to join your faggy club anyways! Where we goin Steve?"

"Well if you aren't in OUR club.....I think you know what's left...."

"Greg..............I'm gonna need more peanuts, bro."

TO BE CONTINUED

The McPedophile Case 8: Hal Daniels and the Impossible Ass Noogies

2006-04-11T14:34:00.000-04:00

Ronald McDonald was throwing out noogies to young African American children like it was nobody's business last Tuesday at St. Mary Joeseph's Presbyterian Church. Raymond Gaines has been rumored to have cleaned up his act recently due to the looming child molestation court hearings in late June.

Of course, Gaines could not be near the children without his parole officer Hal Daniels.

"When I saw him giving those noogies to the small children, it reminded me of a simpiler time.....a time when we didnt have to worry about Ronald McDonald slipping a finger or two in the child's ass. I guess I just miss being naive." Daniels said as he laughed with glee.

Gaines was also forced by the state of Illinois to be quipped with a special set of fingercuffs that would make any "ass noogies" damn near impossible.

Gaines refused to talk to the media.

Taking a break from the knowledge I've been droppin

2006-04-10T01:09:00.000-04:00

The countdown is on.

What are we counting towards? The day that I can move out of Estrogen Plaza and back to Normalcy Avenue.

Living with three broads hasn't been easy. I have learned some things.

1. Feelings are like important to chicks or something.

Yes, sadly, the female is in constant search of attention, affection, and something called "love". Whenever they are deprived of these things, they get cranky and mean mug. Shit runs downhill, and so it goes.

2. Chicks loooooooooove MTV

Broads apparently still find value in this channel. And why not? With such awesome shows like "Parental Control", MTV actually has the balls to not only flood the mainstream with some of the most horrible music since the 80's, but now they are ruining the lives of young couples. Let me explain what "Parental Control" is if you haven't seen it.

They find a couple of young, star crossed, lovers and allow the parents to each choose a new possible suitor for their son or daughter. The chick or dude goes on dates with each parent's choice while the other partner sits and watches them on the date with the person's parents.

My next problem lies with the question of why there is no realism to this show?

It's a reality show correct? That's what our forefathers meant with reality television, correct?

Miller what are you talking about?

HOW IN THE FUCK CAN ANY RESPECTABLE FATHER WATCH HIS DAUGHTER WHORE HERSELF OUT FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT OF AMERICA, ALL WHILE TRADING SEXUAL BANTER BACK AND FORTH WITH HER SCUMBAG BOYFRIEND?

Here's what I mean.

Scumbag Boyfriend: Yo, She never eats a banana like that when I'm around.

Scumbag Father: Maybe that banana is a little larger than her alternative.

Scumbag Boyfriend: It keeps her satisfied, trust me.

Scumbag Father: Is that why she's on this date?

Check out this dude not even breaking a sweat over the fact that his own daughter is simulating oral sex on a banana while straddling some fucking guido on the hood of a car.

Fuck you MTV.

3. If they are on their period, chill at your boy's house.

This is an important one. If you engage them in conversation during this time, it can set off a chain of events that WILL have lasting reprocussions. I still don't have access to things like plates, bowls and the occasional drinking cup.

4. Hide your toilet paper

Chicks use an assload of TP. Not just for dumps either. They use it all when they piss!

5. Heavy emotional baggage

If you even think of having a cool day, it will be thwarted by a barrage of complaints dealing with their self percieved complexities of their everyday lives. Be prepared for things like traffic, test anxiety, and tanning bed mishaps to shape their arguements on how bad life is for them.

Hint: Weed helps alot.

If I seem bitter today, good. That's what I was trying to project.

America the Beautiful 1940-1950

2006-04-06T14:22:00.000-04:00

The 1940's

Hitler and Japan were being dicks.

The frisbee was finally fucking invented, giving the kids something else to do when they were high.

When men returned from kicking Japan and Germany's asses, they were looking for pussy. What came next was what was known as Fuckfest 46. Millions of sex deprived young men came home and put their own jihad out on their wives/ girlfriend's poo nanner nanner. After they mashed it out like porn stars, alot of your parents were born.......it was called the baby boom. Bring it up next Thanksgiving and watch Grandma squirm.

160 persons died — 94 of them children — when a Barnum & Bailey circus tent caught fire in Hartford, Connecticut. They never found out how the fire started. My guess? Disgruntled clowns. That's right, I said it.

Big band swing and zoot suits started becoming popular, reflecting the spirit of hit songs like Dig You Later — A Hubba Hubba Hubba! and You're My Meat. Yes, there was a song........in the 40's........titled "You're My Meat."

Yugoslavia shot down two unarmed U.S. Army transports. Belgrade apologized after the U.S. threatened war. Fuckin pussies.

An American police dog was given the Distinguished Service Medal for charging a machine gun nest in the invasion of Sicily. Shortly after the dog proceeded to take a shit in front of thousands of reporters and then, to their dismay, ate the shit. Solidifying, the hilarity of giving a fucking medal to a dog.

Early in the decade, the U.S. began moving west coast Japanese Americans into inland internment camps. The highways flowed much better but math tutoring services went to shit.

The 1950's

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against racial segregation in schools. Mississippi didn't get the memo, because they couldn't read it.

Hurricanes killed and injured over 200 Canadians, Aw fuck you, that's why you have free health care you whiny fucks.

The Presbyterian Church approved the ordination of female ministers. In retaliation, God killed Richie Valens and Buddy Holly in a plane crash. He was later to have quoteth "Broads in the church? I gave you assholes the birth of rock-n-roll and you put a broad in the church? Oh by the way, I got two words for ya, GLOBAL WARMING!! Good luck fixing that one assholes! God then laughed maniacally and jumped in "The Jesus Jet" with Jesus, the easter bunny and Santa Claus for a vacation on the Island of Atlantis.

The Beat Movement had begun, fueled by the literature of Jack Kerouac, the sounds of progressive jazz and espresso. God i can't wait until they evolve into the dirty hippy.